Today the construction on our house began after the tree falling on our house. Men were here working from 8-4. When I got up I was immediately struck with worry and anxiety when my mom said we’d have to go out for breakfast. The kitchen was closed off since its ceiling was being removed and there was plastic covering everything. I was anxiety-ridden fearing what ridiculously high-calorie breakfast I would have to be subjected to. I asked if there was any way we could work around the plastic and just get some food from the kitchen and hurry on out. We ended up going to the grocery store and getting food that fit in with my meal plan, which was a huge weight off my shoulders.
Aside from the construction, there was not much excitement in my day. I still am having so much trouble with counting calories in my head and feeling guilty about eating things that I want. Was the amount of guilt that I struggled with worth the satisfaction I got from eating that one Werther’s caramel candy? Who knows, but I hope that one day I can be able to eat anything that I want without feeling a tidal wave of guilt overcome me.
I read Chelsea Handler’s new book, “Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me” and it was absolutely hilarious. I definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a good laugh.
Watching the news this evening gave me something to be thankful for in my life. Seeing the terrible destruction the south is facing after yet another tornado makes me so thankful for all that I have in my life. It’s times like these that make me feel badly about myself for wallowing in a pity party for myself over the grief that surrounds me with this struggle with anorexia. It seems so trivial that I am having such a hard time just being able to like my body and give it the nourishment that it needs when there are people in the world who in a matter of minutes lose everything that they own and suddenly are left with no where to live and no car to take them somewhere to stay. I think that I should definitely bring this up with my therapist because I just feel so much guilt over eating and so much guilt over even having this eating disorder to being with.
The only thing I can do, I guess, is to keep my head up and just be thankful for what I do have and the wonderful people in my life who are seeing me through this rough patch in my life.