Well I haven’t been up for even 3 hours yet and I’ve already subjected myself to way too much anxiety and stress than anyone should have to go through. Upon waking up, I had an internal battle in my mind that is still going on about whether I want to take all my three supplements or skip them and get a pretzel after my internship. I know this is terrible but I can’t help it. In one regard I look at it as good that I’m finally getting cravings for food back, but in another sense I hate that I feel like I can’t have an indulgence every one and again in addition to what my meal plan has laid out. So far, I haven’t had any supplements, but I still have the rest of the day to decide what I want to do as far as that goes. I think I’m going to go for the pretzel, though.
Another rough spot for me this morning is body image. One of my biggest worries is what my body will look like when I hit my goal weight. One major problem is that I haven’t bought in to what my ideal weight is going to be. I was looking back at old pictures of me before my weight started to drop and to me, I look huuuuuuuge. I definitely don’t want to be at the weight I was at (135) ever again. Although I haven’t hit the point where my clothes aren’t fitting anymore, I can definitely notice some changes in my appearance. No longer can you really see my ribs or my spine unless I suck in and bend over. Needless to say, I’m going to have a lot to talk about with my dietitian when I see her today.
Yesterday was my first night working at Maggie Moo’s. So far everyone that I’ve worked with has seemed really nice and even though I was working for four hours, time seemed to fly by. I was really nervous about messing things up, but I caught on with things really quickly. I got a “scoop test” where they weighed my ice cream scoops to see how close I was with the sizes and on my best one I was only .1 ounce off. Not too shabby for a beginner! I also screwed up on the cash register twice, but it was no big deal and the supervisor who is one year ahead of my at the same college I go to just came over and fixed it, she didn’t get mad at me at all. I think this is a good job for helping me deal with my perfectionism because it’s impossible to be perfect all the time. I certainly didn’t do things perfectly and I was totally fine with it. Despite it being a wedensday, we made some pretty good tips, too. After we split them up three ways, I walked away $9.03 richer! Yesterday was also a great day at my internship. I helped dress mannequins and take pictures of new merchandise to put on the boutique’s facebook page. I am so happy with all that they trust me to do. Rather than telling me what to put on the mannequins for the window display, they just ask me to dress them however I think would look good. My only regret is that it’s only two weeks long, which means that my internship is almost half over already.
The one ray of sunshine that has broken through on my day so far is major. I just got cleared to go on vacation with Holly who I met at Remuda! I can not wait, I was literally shaking with excitement when I found out I can go. It will be so nice to see her again; since I got discharged from Remuda, I have only seen her once. It’s really nice to be able to be around people who understand what I’m going through rather than having people try as hard as they can to understand what this struggle is like for me and still not be able to understand. The way I look at at, unless you go through an eating disorder or you have been working with people who suffer from it, it’s almost impossible to understand.
On my post about the fourth of July, I forgot to mention something pretty major that happened. Well, I saw one of the girls that had thrown me out of her life which caused me to turn to anorexia for comfort. The girl I saw and talked to, however, was the one who just went along wit the other girl. It was really nice to see her because since the last time I’ve seen her, she has stopped being friends with the other girl who ditched me. I’m so glad that she is finally standing up for herself and not letting the other girl push her around. I never thought that their friendship was a two-way street, anyway, the one always was so controlling over the other and really bossed her around. Even though the girl I saw on the fourth has just moved to North Carolina, I’m excited at the prospect of us repairing our friendship in the future