I Have A Love-Hate Relationship With Baking

One of my passions in life is cooking and baking. There’s not much more that gives me satisfaction like I get when people enjoy what I can whip up in the kitchen. However, I get thrown for a HUGE guilt trip every time I bake. Each time I tell myself (or the eating disorder tells me) that I won’t have any of the batter. But, that never works out and it feels like I always over-indulge on it. Well, to ED, any of the batter would be an overindulgence. Right now I am in the throes of one of those guilt trips. We’r e having a family picnic this weekend and I signed up to bring cupcakes. I decided to make three kinds- White, Red Velvet and Chocolate Mint. This morning I just got done making the white and red velvet flavors and I feel so disgusting for having eaten and enjoyed any of the batter. I tried calling my mom to talk to her about it, but she’s currently away from her desk at work and didn’t answer the phone. It’s not fair that all of the enjoyments that other people have in life are my guilty pleasures. I just hope that tomorrow I’m not compelled to eat the batter like a 300 pound person would when I make the third batch. I can’t even begin to rationalize eating the batter, either, which is the bad part. Last night for dinner I had a big pulled pork sandwich, cole slaw and french fries. That was already a guilt trip from the major stomach ache I got after eating it all and now adding on this stress from the cupcake batter is really taking a toll on me. Thankfully I have this blog to write out my feelings and thoughts. Hopefully someone who reads this will have some words of wisdom and encouragement.

On another hand, tonight is the premier of the Harry Potter movie at midnight. Unfortunately for me, I am scheduled to work at Maggie Moo’s tonight, which is conveniently located right next to the movie theatre. I am not looking forward to how busy this night will be at all. I probably won’t even have time to take a break for dinner. There’s only one other person scheduled to work with me tonight unless we’re really busy and then there’s a girl on call. I actually and partly hopeful that it’s a busy night because that makes the time fly by so much faster. I will defnitely make sure to post later about how things go!

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One thought on “I Have A Love-Hate Relationship With Baking

  1. Okay so first of all, I am hugely jealous that you can cook and bake. I am clueless in the kitchen and wish I had taken more advantage of the cooking classes we got at Remuda Life Program. You will have to teach me some day.

    Secondly, I KNOW it is so hard to not feel guilty about licking the spoon, or enjoying what you have cooked or baked. BUT something my dietitian told me when I very fearfully told her that I had started eating *gasp* junk food again was…that I was eating normally and that is so so so healthy and so wonderful to allow myself to do that. She was so happy when I told her this. She also told me that having a couple cookies or french fries was NOT going to make me gain weight. People, normal healthy thin people, eat cake batter alllll the time. It’s okay! It’s perfectly normal and safe, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

    I hope I helped some. You know, I am really freaking out about having my birthday at the beach and having to bake a birthday cake. Cake is my biggest fear food, and even though I want to enjoy it on my birthday…I am still afraid. But I have to try and remind myself that one piece of birthday cake is not going to make me weigh 200lbs. I will not gain weight. I can eat my cake like a big girl! haha. So, just know that you are not alone in this…and that I understand.

    I love you! 6 days!

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