A Tough Weekend

Well, as I posted earlier, this weekend was the cookout picnic at my Grandparents’ house. It was really nice to see all my family again and the four adorable babies we have in the family now. But, the whole eating part was really anxiety-ridden. I feel like I totally pigged out- I had buffalo chicken dip, corn on the cob, 1/2 a huge hot dog, pasta salad, 2 deviled eggs, watermelon, pineapple, a rice krispy treat, and a cupcake. Even though I ate as much (or less) than everyone there, i still feel like I over did it. And to add on to that anxiety and guilt, I went to the the movies that night and had starbursts AND raisinettes. I just have to remember that I’m not eating like this every single day, and as long as my clothes are still fitting, everything’s okay. I also think that not looking at my weigh-ins is going to help, that way I will focus more on my body image and not on the number that the scale reads.

Since my last post, I quit my job. Things there had become too stressful and I always dreaded having to go to work. After spilling the Reese’s Pieces, my boss left a nasty note on the replacement container he got of them that read “let’s try to not spill them this time, they cost $200 a box”. I thought that was very rude; it’s not like I purposely threw the box of them on the ground, it was a total accident. Anyway, one night I was working there and I just got so overwhelmed I had a minor anxiety attack and I had to go in the back and take a breather. After that, I knew it wouldn’t be good for me to go in any more, so i called my boss, went in to work and met with him to tell him that I was quitting. Even though he seemed very understanding, I bet he was pissed because everyone I worked with says he is very two faced. Overall, I think I made the right decision. Even though letting down my boss and co workers and myself, I can’t and won’t let anything get in the way of my recovery. I need to not think of it so much as failing as a job but more as succeeding at recovery. I do value the friendships I made while working there, I hope that I can keep in touch with some of the people and continue to be friends with them in the future.

Today is passing by very quickly. I am going to the movies in a little bit with a guy named Jordan. I am pretty interested in him as far as a potential boyfriend. I hope something will happen between us- today he would have the perfect opportunity to ask me to be his girlfriend, so I’ll see how that goes. Needless to say, that would certainly make my day! In other events, I am practically jumping out of my skin with excitement to be going to the beach with my friend Holly in less than a week. Thursday can’t come soon enough. Today I made a packing list and I really had to restrain myself from packing already; I need to leave something for me to do throughout the week when I have nothing planned. I just got Holly a birthday present last week at my internship and I’m pretty excited to give it to her. I also got my other best friend Amanda her birthday present- feather hair extensions. After she saw mine she said she really liked them, so I looked up online how to install them and ordered some from etsy.com.

I have also been looking in to a college for fashion in New York City called LIM. One of the girls that works at the boutique where I was interning at goes there and really loves it. I am thinking that I will be able to transfer there for my junior year. I am hoping, though, that my parents and treatment team will think that I’m ready to make the move for the spring semester. I know that the sooner I get to New York, the better because that will give me the chance to get out, get some internships, and start making connections in the fashion industry that are invaluable. I really have fallen in love with New York, and it doesn’t matter to me what my parents think, I’m going to end up moving there whether they like it or not. It’s where I am meant to be.

Other than all of the above, I’ve been trying to plan a vacation with my mom and possibly my dad. I found a hotel on the Grand Cayman island which looks awesome. The water is to die for and there’s shopping and all sorts of water sports there to do, which is awesome because I really, really want to go snorkeling for the first time. The last time we went on a cruise when I was in 6th grade, we went snorkeling but the tour guide warned us about sea urchins and made it seem like they’d be EVERYWHERE and essentially unavoidable, so I got too scared and just stayed on the boat the whole time. This time when we go on vacation, I won’t be such a wimp about it.

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