So Many Emotions

Right now I am a mess of emotions. I am feeling guilty for eating so many stupid rice cakes. I feel EXTREMELY ashamed and disappointed in myself for wanting to purge them. I feel proud of myself for walking away from the toilet bowl before I had a chance to act on that urge. I feel excited to see Holly on thursday and to go on vacation with her family. I feel scared to let this guy know that I am beginning to have feelings for him.

Ugh I hate all these emotions. Maybe this means that I’m going to be getting my period back! Ha ha, well I can hope, right? If that’s the case then that means I can stop gaining weight and stay where I am.

I just wish that I could have a normal relationship with food again. I hate waking up every day and stressing about what I’m going to eat for each meal. I hate feeling like if I indulge in something I have to make up for it in other parts of my eating. I hate that I practically tremble with fear when I see a dessert. And I hate that when I try to talk to my mom about my guilt that she can’t begin to understand how I feel. I know it’s not her fault; I mean I wouldn’t want her to experience the guilt that I go through after eating a cupcake or a handful of Jelly Beans, but it would just help so much if she had an idea of what it feels like for me. I’ve asked her to read recovery books that I bought so she could get a better feel for what I’m going through but as of now she has yet to open them up. I’m just so glad that my therapist is back from her two week vacation. It’s amazing how much can happen in two short weeks.

I have been dying to get out of Frederick lately. I can hardly wait until I’m ready to move to New York City and get my life started. I don’t want to stay here in this small city any longer than I absolutely need to. There’s no way that I can start a career in fashion in stupid Frederick and get anywhere with it. I really, really want to transfer to LIM college in new york for the spring semester but neither of my parents think that I’ll be ready then. Oh well, I guess I will just have to take things one day at a time and see how things go. For now I will make due with trying to set up a fashion column in my school newspaper. I bet that would look really good on my resume considering that I want to work for a fashion magazine. I really hope that my therapist will think that I’ll be ready to transfer for the spring semester because the sooner I can get to New York, the better.

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