A Mixed Bag Of Emotions

Well I am currently torn between two emotions. Is it possible to feel fat and too skinny at the same time? If I’m going off my emotions right now, then it definitely is possible. I hate feeling this way. One side of me knows I need to keep gaining weight, yet the eating disorder part of me tells me that I am perfect where I am, if anything I need to loose weight to get rid of the pudgy belly I have. It makes it so hard to want recovery when I am feeling this way. Right now the only motivation that I have is getting to go to New York. Well that and getting my period back so I can try and renegotiate my ideal weight with my therapist and dietitian. I really want to be in New York, going to school and getting my foot in the door for a fashion industry career, something that isn’t really possible to do in boring Frederick. The only way I can get to New York, though is by proving to my family and treatment team is that I’m ready for it. Thankfully, my parents said that how I do this week on vacation is a gauge for how ready I am and things are going pretty well so far. Even though i’m getting a little homesick I am just trying to deal with it and realize I’m going to look back and be disappointed if I ask my parents to come pick me up. It will also be a good lesson for me in gaining independence and preparing myself for living on my own

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