Today is the last full day of vacation at Bald Head island in North Carolina. The week has flown by so quickly. Thankfully I have accomplished my main goal of getting an awesome tan. Unfortunately, I have gained so much self-hate, it’s unbelievable. I hate how my body is changing. I hate the anxiety I feel over knowing I still have weight to gain. And I hate the guilt I feel over snacking and enjoying eating.
Today has been pretty busy and exciting. I went out to the point and watched the boys fish. One of the guys caught a sting ray that was about five feel wide and a couple hundred pounds. He was reeling it in for about an hour and a half when the line snapped. It was much more exciting than I expected fishing ever could be and he attracted quite the crowd.
I made dinner for the whole group tonight. On the menu was chicken and zucchini kebabs with a basil-feta cheese sauce and rice. Everyone really, really loved the sauce and kept raving about it. That’s the one thing I love the most about cooking; the complements are so boosting to my self-confidence.
On another note, I have been so self conscious lately. I know my body is changing and I can see it. I hate it so much. I just wish that I could be at my goal weight and have the same body that I had before I went on vacation. Since I have been on vacation, my thighs began to touch for the first time in god knows how long. I have also been really worried about Holly. I notice she isn’t finishing her meals and skipping breakfast sometimes. I asked her if everything is okay and she said yes, that it is just hard for her to finish meals when she eats breakfast. I don’t really buy that, though. I would feel so much better if she was eating more. It also effects me negatively by making me feel like when I finish my meals (and meals if normal portions) that I am eating way too much.
I have a really big worry. I notice how much I am eating while I’m here on vacation and I am terribly worried that when I get home, I won’t be able to get back to a normal amount of eating. I try to challenge this by telling myself that I am just eating more than normal because I’m on vacation, everyone else is eating the same things I am, I am just excited about eating things that I’ve restricted from for a while, and the food is just there in front of me while I’m bored. But even though I still have all those rational challenging arguments, The eating disordered side of me screams louder that I will not be able to have control over myself when I get home. If anyone has any encouraging words or comments, please share with me 🙂


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