Taking Risks

Today I really put myself out there. There’s a guy who works at the grocery store that I go to all the time and I’ve had my eye on him for some time now. I decided that I will give him my phone number and see if he takes me up on my offer to go out sometime. I went to the grocery store in hopes of seeing him there, but I learned that he got off work before I got there but that he is back at work again on thursday, so I will make a trip back there then to put myself out there. I am kind of worried because the last time I did this, the guy never called me like he said he would. But, I will just hope for the best. I mean this guy has actually spoken to me before (the one I first gave my number to was just a good-looking bus boy at a restaurant I went to) and he seems like he might be interested in me. I will just keep my fingers crossed, though, until thursday comes. Keep your hopes up for me!

Since I’ve last posted, my plans for vacation next week with my mom have changed. When I was on vacation with Holly, my mom planned a vacation for us to go to Delray Beach, Florida. But, when I got home I was looking at the website SniqueAway and they had a deal for a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida that was only $60 per night. That deal was just too good to pass up, so we rescheduled everything and cut the cost of our vacation in half. I’m really excited about this vacation. I have had quite a lot of stress lately, with quitting my job at maggie moo’s and hating my body every day, so I definitely need to relax and unwind.

Since getting back from vacation with Holly, I have set up another job interview for Michaels’s craft store. I’m worried that they won’t hire me, though, because when I filled out my application I wrote that I was available all day, every day, and my availability has changed. With going back to school soon, my availability has greatly decreased. There’s a small part of me that hopes I don’t get the job. I worry that if I have a job and school it would be too much to handle. I know during my first semester of college, I spent so much of my time on schoolwork, I had little time for anything else.

Lately I’ve been having so much anxiety over my body. I am really happy with the way I look right now. That doesn’t seem like such a bad thing, but it is when I think that I still have a ways to go with gaining weight. I am so terrified that I will hate my body when I reach my goal weight. I am really hoping that when I go to the dietitian on thursday that I will be able to renegotiate my goal weight since I just started getting my menstrual cycle back. It’s times like these that make me really hate recovery. I just wish that things would magically go back to the way they were before my eating disorder ever started.

Last night a had a pretty intense conversation with my parents over dinner. We discussed me going to school in New York. I just feel like my parents don’t understand how much I want to go to New York, how important it is to me. They still haven’t given me the list of things that they want to see from me to show them that I am ready to go there. I asked them over a week ago to do this, so I don’t know what the hold up is. Maybe they’re waiting to go to our therapy session next tuesday. My dad seems really worried that things will go downhill when I go there, like they did when I went to Loyola. I think that that’s not fair of him to think because when I went to Loyola, I didn’t even know what was going on in my life, I had no idea that I was in the throes of an eating disorder and I had no resources to help me deal with my anxiety like I do now. He wants me to not have any eating disorder related thoughts (for example, he doesn’t want me to feel anxiety over eating dessert). But, my therapist told me that this is something he cannot expect of me. The more important thing is how I deal with those types of thoughts. I think that lately I have been really proving myself as ready to go to New York. For example, when I was on vacation with Holly and I was getting worried about her not eating which made me feel like I was eating way too much, I reached out for support from my dietitian and my mom. Before, I would have never have done that out of fear that I would disappoint my parents and treatment team by not having a perfect recovery. Also, when I was on vacation with Holly I was able to handle not being completely in control of what I was eating and I was basically fine with it and I stuck with my meal plan as best as I could. I have been showing more responsibility by learning how to manage my credit card and by keeping my basement apartment clean and doing my own laundry (I already cook all the time, so it’s not like that is something I have to do to show that I’m ready).

I just went through my closet and cleared out all the old jeans that don’t fit me anymore that have just been hanging there for months upon months. I find it really hard to believe that at my highest weight I was wearing a size 28 in jeans and pants. I can’t even imagine being that large when at my lowest weight, size 24 pants-the smallest size- were too big for me.

Well it’s time to get started on dinner, so keep your hopes up for me for things going well on thursday! 🙂

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