LIM Application Essay

Here’s my application essay for LIM college in new york so far. does anyone have any criticism for it?

Fashion definitely is not the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks about Frederick, Maryland. So you can understand my extreme excitement upon hearing that I, the girl voted best dressed in high school, had just landed an internship at Velvet Lounge. Specializing in contemporary women’s apparel, Velvet Lounge aims to expose my small town to the wonderful world of fashion. The two weeks that I spent at Velvet Lounge proved to be two of the best weeks that I have ever had in my entire life. Not only did I gain priceless knowledge of how a boutique runs, I affirmed to myself that working in the fashion industry is what I want to do in life if I am going to follow my passion. During my crash-course in boutique running, I dressed mannequins, updated their website to show new merchandise, put new merchandise in their computer system, helped style customers, and helped order new merchandise. Learning the ins and outs of the fashion industry was the farthest thing from work for me. Each day I sprung out of bed, eagerly awaiting two o’clock so I could check in to my internship and dreaded when it was time for me to leave.

In addition to learning about the business side of a boutique, I learned all about good work ethic. By closely watching how the employees and owner worked, I learned so many lessons on how to work in any type of job that I may hold in my life. I learned that when there’s a task to be done, it is best to get it done quickly and completely so  work does not pile up; one day was more busy than others with having a lot of customers coming in, having a lot of new merchandise being delivered and needing to reorganize the store so the employee working with me that day divided up the work between us so we could get it done quickly. I learned that it is important to not be afraid to ask for help; when I was learning how to put merchandise into the computer system, I forgot what step came next and instead of guessing and potentially making an error, I asked for help to make sure that I got it done correctly. I also learned a lot about great customer service from my internship. The women who work at Velvet Lounge get to know the regular customers pretty well. They learn the personal style of most customers so they can help them shop. This shows me that in order to make sure customers come back you need to make them feel valued.

Overall, my internship at Velvet Lounge was undoubtably the best time that I have ever had in my life. It made me new friends with the women who work there and I gained priceless knowledge about the inside business to the fashion industry. Even though Frederick is a pretty small town, I was able to make the most out of the resources that my city has to offer so I can learn about careers in the fashion industry.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “LIM Application Essay

  1. Nice work, Erin! I hope a little feedback is ok with you. I love writing criticism and receiving it on my own work. I’ve written several transfer essays for different colleges. Although that doesn’t make me an expert, I’ve learned some really important things about tone, wording and the ultimate goal of the transfer essay.

    One piece of advice I have is to never put down the place you are coming from. I can see what you’re trying to say through saying that you’ve worked hard despite Frederick not being fashion-forward. However, it goes without saying that Frederick’s fashion scene is not as developed as New York’s. That being said, it is unnecessary to categorize Frederick as “one of the least fashionable places on the map”. These types of comments do not give you a positive tone as an applicant. It is to be assumed that you are transferring because you believe New York will have more positive attributes in the fashion industry than Frederick.

    Spend a little more time developing and emphasizing how you’ve made the best of your time here in Frederick. Potential colleges want to hear about what you’re going to contribute upon your arrival to their campus. For example, saying something like “I am inspired by Velvet Lounge’s continued persistence to deliver a greater fashion presence in a small town like Frederick. I hope to one day inspire others upon completing my (insert your fashion goals here), just as the fashion industry has inspired me. As a new student at LIM, I aim to apply my prior knowledge of fashion while obtaining new knowledge throughout my time there…etc.” Emphasize that LIM will provide you with the opportunities that you can’t obtain at your current school/location.

    Also, I think the second sentence would be best broken up into two (or more) sentences. The last sentence in your 2nd paragraph would have a greater impact if you broke it into a few sentences and made it a little bit easier to follow (less wordy). Consider alternate word choices instead of “messing up”. You use the word “learned” often in your second paragraph, so consider using phrases such as “acquired knowledge” or “gained valuable experience”. This will show some professionalism and attention to detail, which reflect what you learned in your internship.

    I think you have a great essay! The most important thing is to never lose sight of what your ultimate message is. What do you want LIM to think after reading your essay? Identify some key goals/points that you want to convey and then make sure your entire essay supports your goals. Again, I think you already have them, it’s just a matter of letting them really shine! 🙂 Good luck!

    • hello Natalie
      my name is crystal I love the criticism that you gave this young lady. I am reapplying to LIM after not being excepted the first time and was wondering if you could look over my essay??

Talk to me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s