Lately I have been feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Each day I go back and forth between absolutely hating everything about my body to being satisfied with where I’m at right now. I know I have not reached my goal weight yet, but since I have gotten back my menstrual cycle I feel that I could potentially stop gaining weight and stay where I’m at.
Over that past month or so, I have seen so many changes in my body. Most noticeable and most unwelcome of these changes is the fact that my thighs are now beginning to touch. I hate this so much. It makes me feel that my legs are humongous and all the weight that I am gaining is going right there to them. I know it’s irrational to think this, but I just can’t help it. Not only does this bring me anxiety, I also feel anxiety over what size pants I will now begin to wear. I ideally want to stay at the same size, but I know that it’s unlikely that will happen. Just yesterday I went shopping and was trying on new pants and shorts and took in a size 26 when I was wearing a size 24. I was pleasantly surprised when they were too big. I thought for sure that I had gained an extreme amount of weight while I was on vacation in Florida. Although probably not good for my ED, it made me feel really great to know that I could still fit into my old sizes. Another change that is definitely not welcome is this disgusting stomach that I now have. I look like I am pregnant all the time. I hate feeling perpetually bloated. I feel so disgusting. I really, really hope that the free pilates and yoga classes that I take each weekend will help to tone my stomach and make it look flatter and more attractive. A third change, which is perhaps the most unwelcome, is the fact that I ALWAYS am feeling hungry. I hate that so much. It really freaks me out and makes me feel like no matter how much I try to eat a normal amount of food, I will not be able to stop eating and I will loose all control. I can’t wait to go to therapy on tuesday and see my dietitian on thursday to talk to them about this. I am hoping it is just a side effect of my medicine, zyprexa, that was meant to help me gain weight and get my hunger cues back. Perhaps it’s time to take me off that medicine, but I’ll see what my treatment team says.
Looking back at where I was in January and where I am now, I am amazed that I have made it this far in my recovery and that I didn’t kill myself with this stupid eating disorder. I know I’m not really supposed to talk about weights, but when I was admitted to Remuda, I weighed in around 82 pounds. At that point in my life, basically all I was eating during the day was half a grapefruit. I am so proud of myself and so happy that I am now able to enjoy food. When I was on vacation in Ft. Lauderdale this past week, I was able to practice intuitive eating-eating mainly when I am hungry- and I was able to order things off the menu that I truly wanted, now what the eating disorder was telling me was a safe choice. I am disappointed in myself for other things, though. I have a really hard time admitting my struggles to my team. I have this HUGE fear of disappointing everyone and letting them down by telling them what I have a hard time with. I also feel an extreme amount of guilt for wanting to skimp on my portions and supplements and wanting to go back to overexercising. I know it will take a lot of self-control and willpower to get to the point where I can have a healthy relationship with exercise. Before getting admitted to Remuda, I was exercising about 3 times per week on the elliptical machine until I would burn around 700 calories. I wasn’t even eating anywhere near that amount of calories, though, which contributed to my rapid weight loss. I am so excited to get back to the gym, though. When I exercise, I feel so good and energized. I know that by taking these weekly pilates and yoga classes it is helping me get back to a normal relationship with exercise. By being in a yoga studio with no cardio equipment, I have no temptation to jump on for almost an hour at a time. I am worried that when I start going back to the gym, though, that I will give in to that temptation and get on the slippery slope to relapse. However, I know that if I am super-careful and mindful of what I’m doing instead of paying attention to what other people around me are doing that I will be okay. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym for the first time. It is bring a friend day there so I am taking my best friend Amanda with me. It will really help me to exercise with someone else because she knows about my past relationship with exercise and will be able to help me do a healthy amount and not over do it. I will give her full permission to tell me if she thinks that I’m overdoing it and that I need to stop and be a little gentler.
Well that’s really all I can think of to post for now. It’s time for me to get back to relaxing and getting used to being at home again. Later today I am getting pilates apparel for my mom, getting school supplies for when classes start back up again on the 22nd and doing the weekly free pilates class at the yoga studio downtown.