Since my last post things have been sort of up and down. I have been wanting more than ever to be in New York for the spring semester. Yesterday we had family therapy to talk about what my parents want to see from me before they’ll be convinced that I’m ready to go. Basically they just want me to be happy and to have met my goal weight. They both are really scared about me going too soon and they want me to wait until next fall’s semester to make sure that I am ready. I know that it’s a legitimate worry of theirs, but it seems like they just don’t want me to go and they can’t expect me to stay at home forever; at some point I have to move out and get things going on my own.
Two days ago i went back to the gym for the first time in months. I brought my friend Amanda with me because it was guest day and she got to go for free with me. It was nice to have her there with me to exercise and make sure I didn’t overdo it because I know that if I was there alone I would be tempted to over exert myself and potentially slip up from all the good progress I’ve been making. While we were there, we did some cardio (about 20 minutes worth when before I was doing almost an hour) and a lot of work with the weights. We met a nice guy while we were there and I gave him my number. We were planning on going out for sushi tonight, but I sort of freaked out when he told me how old he was. Turns out he’s going to be 24 in a couple days. I think that I would feel a little uncomfortable dating someone that much older than me and I’m positive my parents wouldn’t like that one bit. I feel bad because I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t interested and I ended up just ignoring his texts and messages on facebook. I eventually ended up telling him that right now it’s not the best idea for me to be dating people; that I need to focus on getting myself in a healthier place before I can worry about taking care of someone else on top of myself.
I have also reread the book “Unbearable Lightness” by Portia DeRossi. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a memoir about her struggles with an eating disorder and trying to be comfortable with who she truly is and not what people want her to be. This book is very inspiring to me and I recommend anyone to read it. It’s helpful to see that someone who is so similar to me has made it through the darkness that is a life with an eating disorder and is now happy and healthy. Like Portia, I struggle with putting an insane amount of pressure on myself. Although I’ve never been a model or an actress, I still put a lot of pressure on myself to conform to what I believe the media portrays the ideal figure to be like for women. Another similarity between us is that I really struggle with trusting that people will accept and like me for who I am. Since my eating disorder was caused by some people not liking me for who I was out of nowhere, I find it really hard to open up to new people and trust that they won’t hurt me in the end. It really helps to read about other people’s struggles and see that I’m not alone in this fight to regain my life from the controlling arms of an Eating Disorder. I really agree with her philosophy about dieting, too. In her book she says that anyone who is on a diet is suffering from an eating disorder. She believes that the only healthy relationship with food is one that really isn’t there to begin with; it’s all about eating when you are hungry and eating what you want to eat, not what someone, a diet or the voice of an ED tells you to eat. As long as you eat healthfully, your body will do what it has to to maintain it’s ideal weight and you will be okay.
In other events, I start my first day of classes as a sophomore on Monday. Yesterday I picked up my books- all $700 worth of them. Although it’s going to be a rough semester as far as my workload goes, I’m excited to get back into a routine and meet some new people. If anyone from Hood is reading this, my schedule is as follows:
Mon/Wed: French 10:30-11:20, History 11:30-12:45, Mass Media 2:00-3:15
Tue/Thu: French 8:55-9:45, News Writing 9:55-11:10, Psychology of Women 11:20-12:35
Fri: French 10:30-11:20