Struggle After Struggle

It’s days like these that really make me hate recovery so much. I hate what my body and mind are going through. I feel hungry ALL the time which really scares me. I am so worried that this perpetual empty feeling that I have will never go away and my weight gain will go out of control. I talked to Holly about this and she said that she knows the feeling that I’m having. That was reassuring to hear that this is a normal thing to be going through. I also wonder if this is a side-effect of the medicine that I’m on, Zyprexa, that was meant to help me get my hunger cues back because before I was on it, I never felt hungry.
I met with one of my dietitians today, Bobbi, and she helped me with the anxiety I’ve been feeling over this whole situation. She explained to me that I’m sort of like a pendulum swinging right now; I’ve been at one extreme with the restricting I’ve been doing for so long and right now I’m at the other extreme, feeling hungry all the time. She also thinks that my theory about the medicine causing this never-ending hunger sounds good and that I should see what my psychiatrist says when I meet with him next. My therapist, Beth, told me that maybe it’s time to start scaling back on the Zyprexa to get me ready to stop taking it. It would certainly be nice to have one less pill to take every day (right now I’m taking two huge calcium supplements, a Prozac, an Ampicillin, and two multivitamins along with the Zyprexa).
Another thing that I hate about recovery is the state of physical fitness that my body is in right now. I can barely do any cardio work- when I went to the gym with my friend Amanda, I had to stop for a breather after only 10 minutes. However, I can still have the endurance to do some weight work and crunches. But still, before I went to Remuda I had the endurance to do almost an hour of cardio work at a time. I know that doing that much isn’t healthy for me right now- physically or mentally- but it would be nice to not get winded after 10 minutes.
Yet another downside to all these changes is the way my body is looking. Today I put on one of my pairs of “skinny pants” and they’re barely fitting me. To get them on I need to do squats, which is kind of funny in a way. I really, really hope that I can still fit into my “skinny pants” once I reach my goal weight. Although I have no idea what my weight is right now, I know that I’m not too far off from 115 pounds. I would hate for all my good pants to go to waste just because my doctors say I have to be a fatty. I just recently bought an awesome and adorable pair of Hudson flares and I would hate to have only gotten about three wears out of them. If I figured out the cost per wear of them I think I might have a heart attack haha. But, a good thing about gaining weight is that I would probably get to go out shopping and pick out all new clothes to wear, which is always fun. Maybe I can even go to New York to do my shopping!
That trip to New York might happen, though! Coming up next month on the 8th of September, it’s the third annual Fashion’s Night Out. This is a special shopping night where stores have different deals and events going on all over New York City and in some other major cities around America. I have always wanted to go to this but school has always gotten in the way. I talked to my mom very briefly about it and she said that we could possibly go to it this year! Although I would still miss some school, I think I could swing it since it will only be the third week of classes and I probably won’t have any tests that soon. Hopefully I will get to go. I also could try to make some visits to potential doctors for a treatment team when I go to school up there. My therapist wants me to get everything in line before I go up there so I will not have to wait to receive the treatment that I’m having here in Frederick. Last night I started to look around for some people and I found one website for a therapist who seems very reputable and kind. She sort of reminds me of a nice grandmother that everyone wants.
Well that’s all for now, two of my friends Amanda and Colleen are over for a girls’ night and sleepover. I will post back later!


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