Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

Today was a pretty good day overall. I went to Tyson’s Corner Mall in Virginia with my mom once again. I got a TON of stuff. Well not really a ton, but quite a bit. My mom is the best. 🙂

At Nordstrom I got a really cute black v-neck maxi dress with a knitted brown belt at the waist. I got these adorable Jessica Simpson pumps (picture below) to go with my Free People dress (picture below) for the first day of classes tomorrow. At Madewell I got a green short sleeve sweater. At Bloomingdale’s I got three pairs of jeans to fit my new body: one Seven, one Citizens of Humanity and one AG. It was pretty stressful to pick out new jeans. Since I didn’t really know what size I was I had to take a couple different ones with me. The nice man who was helping me was going to find another pair that he thought I’d like and guessed at my size. He was quite over what size I really am. That really upset me because it got me thinking that I look bigger to people than I really am. I tried to just brush it off, though. I told my mom how that upset me and she just told me that it doesn’t matter what he thought, he was probably just guessing whatever the most popular size is for women. She said that I look really great where I am right now, which isn’t far off from my goal weight (since I’ve started doing blind weigh-ins and don’t know what I weigh right now). It’s really good to hear that, because to me, I look HUGE. My thighs have just started to touch which I hate so much. It sucks. My arms look huge. My stomach is enormous and always bloated. I talked to my mom about canceling my gym membership because I no longer feel much desire to work out. Well at least I feel no desire to work out in a healthy way- I have a lot of urges after I eat what seems like too much to go work it all off and then some on the cardio equipment. I have a much stronger desire to get into more pilates and yoga. I know that that’s what I need to do to get the toning that I really want. Pilates will rock my core, too, which is what I really want to focus on more than anything else. Both pilates and yoga are so relaxing, too, which is quite the opposite of how I feel when I go to the gym. When I step on the elliptical machine I feel like a failure if I can’t burn off more calories than I will consume for the whole day and when I did burn off all those calories when I was in the throes of my eating disorder I felt extremely ashamed of myself, I felt like everyone who was watching me would be able to tell something was different about me, and I would be really upset when anything got in my way of going to the gym. Now, though, I have a much healthier relationship with exercise. When I went to the gym with my best friend Amanda last monday, I felt no urge to over-exert myself (which was a good thing because I was tired after ten minutes of cardio work anyway) and I really enjoyed it as more of a social activity. Before I would pop my earbuds in, open up my book or magazine and just go into my own little zone, totally blocking out everything around me until I had completed my workout. When I went with Amanda, I was spending most of the time talking with her and making jokes about stupid little things like I used to. It felt really great to be getting my old easy-going personality back.

Tonight my great friend Alex is coming over for dinner. I’m making some grilled chicken with a chipotle-peach sauce, grilled corn on the cob and some green beans. I am excited to see him, it’s been a couple weeks since we’ve gotten together and I was getting nervous that I wasn’t going to get a chance to see him again before he goes back to college. Well that’s all for now, it’s time for me to get my afternoon snack and waist some more time on stumbleupon!


One thought on “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

  1. Don’t let thoughtless comments get to you—people are horrible at guessing sizes!

    It’s wonderful that you’re moving toward a healthier place with exercise. I’m still very caught in the eating-disordered gym mentality, and I hope that someday I’m able to really enjoy exercise again rather than just frantically burning off my quota of calories on the cardio machines.

    Pilates is amazing! If you haven’t used the Reformer yet, try it–it’s ten times better than mat Pilates and you’ll leave feeling like you completely understand how every muscle in your body works.

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