I have found that most people enjoy reading things that are depressing and sad so that they can feel better about their lives. Well, for those people, this post will be pleasing.
Last night I got an email that my French class is cancelled today because my teacher is sick. I was pretty excited about that because I will take any chance to sleep in a little later than usual. I planned on waking up a little later than I normally would and get some work done. Instead, I slept until 10:30, an hour before my class started. I scrambled to get a shower, eat breakfast, get dressed and do my hair and makeup. When I got out of the shower, this is where my day took a turn for the worse. When I tried to put on my pants, I found that I had to literally dance around to get them up over my disgustingly humongous thighs. This whole situation probably wouldn’t have upset me as much if these pants hadn’t have been falling off of me when I was at my lowest weight. I just detest the way my body has become. I feel like I am uncontrollably gaining weight and this whole trend will never stop. I hate that my thighs touch more than anything. Back when I was skeletal, I would pride myself on not having my thighs touch. I got a bad grade on an assignment? That’s okay because my thighs don’t touch. I got in an argument with a friend? That’s okay because my thighs don’t touch. All of my clothes are falling off of my and there’s none made small enough for me? That’s okay, my thighs don’t touch. I have secluded myself so much that I don’t have any friends? That’s okay, I am comforted by the gap between my thighs. I would spend countless amounts of time standing in front of a mirror smiling at my the gleam of light shining through my legs. It’s so sad that I would take pride and congratulate myself for something so unhealthy and unnatural. Despite my therapist assuring me that having a space between your thighs is not something healthy to have, I still wish that somehow I can re-achieve this. Ugh, it’s times like this that I wonder why it is impossible for me to recognize my strengths and find other things to be proud of myself for that go beyond merely factors of my appearance.
Because of those damn pants, I have found it really hard to concentrate and focus on other things that happen throughout my day. All during history class I was working on crossword puzzles. After class I saw Amanda in Whitaker and sat down and talked with her for a while. I wish that we had been alone so that I could talk to her about my shitty morning. I didn’t want to upset her and put all my stresses on her, though, so I guess that it’s a good thing that there were other people with us. Around 1:30 I went back to my room to get my stuff for the next class I had. I made some coffee to bring to class but I was freaking stupid again and forgot it. I had it in my hand not even a minute before I left, so I have no idea how I forgot it. At least I packed a cherry coke for myself when I am going to hole up in Whitaker after class and do work.
I have so much work to do, it’s stressing me out so much. I have a paper that’s due for psych tomorrow. I already have most of it written but I have to just clean it up. I have a book report due on wednesday for history. On top of these papers I have a ridiculous amount of reading to do. I just remembered that I also have to go to CVS and pick up my prescriptions. Maybe the reason why I’ve been kind of down these past couple days is because I ran out of my Prozac a couple days ago. I should have been more responsible and refilled my prescription sooner but I’m going to try to not beat myself up about it. All that I can hope for is that I don’t get too burned out today working on everything. I will definitely take a break to watch Modern Family tonight, though. I saw a picture posted from tonight’s episode on Facebook of Phil tightrope walking with a bike helmet on and it looks like it should be a good episode, as always.
Last night was kind of disappointing. I was supposed to make butternut squash risotto for Amanda and I in the kitchen of my dorm building but at last minute she said she couldn’t do it tonight. That kind of upset me. She has been working so much and I hardly get to hang out with her. I ended up going home to make it for my parents and I. I felt like such a loser. All of this going home stuff needs to end. I am ready to be on my own but it seems like something always comes up that causes me to have to go home for something or another.
Yesterday afternoon I made my friend whose birthday is on Thursday some Twix brownies and bought him a big box of Little Debbie honey buns. I packed up some more decorative things to take back to my dorm. I went to the post office and mailed the goodies then went back to school. After dinner, I stopped at Target. I wanted to get some more hooks for hanging things in my dorm and some lights to put up. I got these really cute beaded circular lights and hung them up on the ceiling above my bed. They look really nice. The girl from the room next to us came over and hung out for a bit. It was really fun, we gossiped and just had a good time. It should be interesting to meet the people who I learned so much about; I’m not sure I will be able to keep a strait face when I see them.
After my last class of the day I came to the computer lab to work on a paper with Amanda. She is writing a short story for her English class and I have a role in it. I am flattered. After over a week, I finally finished my psych paper. I hope I do okay on it. It was kind of a hard one to write, just because the presentations that we were comparing were pretty similar. In the end, though, I feel like I did pretty well on it. I sent it to my mom to have her check it for spelling and grammatical errors so I am waiting to get that back from her. Later, I have to do some homework for my News Writing class that I forgot about until just now and I am determined to finish reading my god-awful James Madison book so I can start writing the paper on it tomorrow. I can’t believe that it’s already Wednesday. I feel like time flies by now that I am living on campus. I thought that it would have felt the opposite of this way, though, because I no longer have to take time out of my day for traveling to and from school. But, hey, I’m not complaining. I absolutely love living here at school and I wish that I had moved on earlier.
Well I’ll wrap things up with this. I haven’t read through it so things probably ended weird and abruptly but this is a blog, not a magazine article so that’s okay. I have to proof-read Amanda’s paper and that’s a little more important than cleaning up my blog that no one is probably going to read anyway.