Awkward

Yesterday was so awkward in my communication class. We were talking about the internet and the teacher asked us if any of us kept blogs. I raised my hand along with a couple other people and she asked us what they were about. I told her that mine was about eating disorders. As if I didn’t choke enough trying to spit that out in front of my whole class, she asked us each why we chose the topic that we did for our blogs. It was so embarrassing admitting in front of the whole class that I am recovering from an eating disorder. I could only imagine the thoughts going through their heads: is she anorexic? is she bulimic? she’s too fat to have an eating disorder, I won’t be able to look her as just “Erin” anymore, how unfortunate, I feel so bad for her, etc. I’m just glad that I had my laptop up so I could just go back to whatever web page I was looking at on there instead of looking around at all the reactions of people in my class.

Last night was kind of hard. I went to the student center with Brittany to do some homework. I was having another bad body image day and things were not made better when I was looking through my old pictures on Facebook. I found a bunch of pictures of me when I was skinny and seeing them just doesn’t help with my struggle to accept my body the way that it is, the way that it is healthy for it to be. It also was hard seeing the pictures that people “liked.” Do people only think I’m attractive when I am on the verge of death? I just decided that I would delete the pictures. I saved them to my computer in a file called “skinny”, though, so if I ever do reach the point where seeing myself at that weight isn’t triggering, they won’t be lost forever.

Today has been pretty good. In News Writing we had to interview a guest today. Our teacher arranged for Jack Topchik to come in an talk to us. He was an editor at the New York Times for 40 years. Last week we came up with about 25 questions that we were going to ask him and assigned people to them. The interview went pretty well, considering it was my first one. One of my questions was “how did you get hired at the NY Times?” but in one of the previous answers he gave, he already asked it. I sort of started asking the question without realizing I was being redundant and he called me out on it. It was so embarrassing. I think he should have just cut me a little slack, I mean the teacher did tell him that this was the first news writing class any of us have ever taken before. I have to write a story about it, too. I think I have a week and a half. I have so much homework to do lately, I am getting overwhelmed.

In Psych of Women, we were supposed to get papers back that we turned in a while ago but my teacher left them in her house. I was so annoyed. It would be different if she had posted the grades on Blackboard, but she doesn’t use that website for anything. We were talking about pregnancy in class today and we had to watch videos about infertility. There was a video on YouTube and it was about a couple who went through InVitro and then ended up getting pregnant. At one point in the movie I actually cried a little because the couple was just so cute. They were so obviously in love and I just hope that one day I will be able to have a relationship like that myself.

After class I finally did some laundry and got a lot of studying done. I went to the mall with Colleen to give her a second opinion on her dress. We walked around a bit and then Amanda met us there when she finished running some errands. We went to Express and then left the mall. I went home to get some jewelry for Colleen to borrow and then I came back to campus.

My dietitian had emailed me back. She posted my testimonial about my road through recovery. She made it look so good, and put a link to my blog at the end. I am so happy with the way it turned out and I really hope that I help other people who are going through similar struggles in their life.

Well that’s all for now. I have an enormous amount of homework and studying to do. I will post later!

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