Future Author

So the other day I was in therapy and Beth, my therapist, told me that I should consider writing a book about my eating disorder. At first I didn’t really think anything of it, but then after I gave it some more thought, I realized that it would be a pretty good idea. I have found that I really love writing and I think that it would be really inspirational to write a book about my journey. When I was at Remuda, it was really helpful to read books about how other people have been through the struggle with eating disorders and have made it out okay. I told my mom about this and she thinks that it would be a good project to work on over the summer (I’m thinking over Winter break as well). She suggested that I add in a chapter written by my mom and my dad and some of my friends. I think that that is a great idea because then it would be helpful for people who are in the same position as my parents and friends if they decide to read it. I don’t remember any books that I read that had a portion of it geared toward people who are trying to help their loved ones who are struggling with an eating disorder. Well, I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with this whole book idea, but I know that it’s definitely in my back pocket and I will probably work on it a little bit day by day and see what comes from it all.

Well things have been pretty good lately! I now going to see my dietitian every 4-6 weeks and my therapist every 3 weeks. I am really proud of all the progress I have made in the past year, and I am astonished with how much the quality of my life has improved. Back when I was at my worse, I could have NEVER imagined myself where I am right now and I couldn’t be happier. I am going out with friends all the time, making friends, and finding myself able to talk to and trust guys again. It’s amazing.

It’s Halloween weekend! Last night there was a school trip to a haunted hay ride. I went with my friends and it was terrifying. People jumped out of the woods and would jump onto our cart that we riding in and one guy actually was leaning all over me and touched my face. At one point we had to get off the cart and we were taken through a ridiculous corn maze. Somehow the people dressed up as clowns knew my name, that really freaked me out. To keep myself from pissing my pants in fear, I just talked back to all the people who were working there. There were two girls who popped out of one coffin and I called them disgusting lesbians. Then they called me a bitch, so I just let them have it. People should know not to try and get in a bitch-off with me, you just won’t win. It’s not possible. Another girl basically threw herself on the ground at me and I told her to go away or I would kick her in the face. I had a stare-off with some guy and I was taunting him about how I was out with my friends on a Friday night and he was here alone just trying to scare people. After that I hung out in the student center with Amanda, her boyfriend and another guy who was at the haunted hay ride with us. My friends were going to go to one of the apartments to drink, but I didn’t feel like doing that so I just went back to my room and hung out with Brittany and Lacey.

This morning I woke up and it was SNOWING. It is not even November yet, what’s up with that? We had to bundle up to go to brunch, which I was not prepared for. Thankfully I have my rain boots here, but I don’t have a rainproof jacket, or a jacket with a hood, or a hat, so I don’t even want to think about how terrible my hair looked. I was in bed for basically the rest of the day, and now I am just hanging out with my friends and trying to figure out what we are going to do tonight. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting pretty crazy because everyone’s probably suffering from cabin fever from staying in all day. I was originally going to be Betty Boop; I had a wig I ordered online and a red dress I wore to homecoming one year to wear but on Thursday night I decided that I wanted to be Katy Perry from her Teenage Dream music video. I got a teal sports bra from Target and Brittany had the idea of making cupcakes to put on my boobs out of pompoms (since I can’t touch cotton balls without cringing). I did that, and then I have some denim shorts to wear with it, it looks cute and ridiculous. It is actually pretty cute, but I am definitely going to have to do some sit-ups before I leave because I want to make sure my stomach looks as good as possible. If you can even associate my stomach with the word good. Ughhhh I wish that I wasn’t so self-conscious about myself. I want to look good and attractive, but my fucking body image issues always get in the way. I don’t really have any ED regularly anymore except my body image problems. I mean I have heard that these issues are the last thing to go with an eating disorder, but I’ve just had it. I would rather have fears about food and be happy with my body, that would be so much more tolerable.

Well I’m going to stop being such a sourpuss. I am so excited to just go out tonight and have a good time. I think Amanda is going to come out with us, so that should be fun. I just finished painting my friend’s nails with glitter; she’s going to dress up as glitter, covering herself in it. It should look so awesome. Brittany is going to be a referee and Lacey is going to be Little Red Riding Hood. Both of their costumes are really cute. I am not sure how we are getting to the apartments though. I have a feeling that we’re going to end up walking, which should be interesting considering I will be wearing shorts, a bra and heels and it’s barely 30 degrees outside. Oh well- no pain, no gain.

I am really excited for November 11. That day I am getting my second tattoo (and I am telling myself my last tattoo, but we’ll see how that pans out). I am getting a dove on the back of my neck. I want to get it done in purple ink if that’s possible, but I will figure that out when I get there. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be doable, though. I am going to the guy that my friend Colleen goes to in Hagerstown and he does a really nice job. I went with Colleen when she got a mardi gras mask added onto her hip and it turned out beautifully. I think Brittany, Lacey and Megan are going with us, too, but I am not sure yet. The dove is going to symbolize freedom, and I think that it is appropriate for the stage I am at right now.

Since my birthday is the day after Thanksgiving, me and Amanda decided that it would probably be a better idea to celebrate with friends the following weekend so that everyone is back from their breaks. The following weekend is actually Lacey’s birthday, so we are going to all go and celebrate by going to FUR nightclub in DC. I just ordered a dress from Topshop to wear when we go out. It is a tight, form-fitting black dress with cut outs at the neckline. It sounds simple, but the cutouts make it look really intricate and cute.

Hmm, I don’t really think that I have anything else to add, so I will wrap things up. Thanks for reading and I will post tomorrow sometime and put up some pictures from tonight. Hopefully my outfit doesn’t make my parents take me out of school. I haven’t tried it on completely so I don’t know how slutty it looks. I’m kind of nervous, but it’s Halloween and “looking good” is synonymous with “slutty” when celebrating this holiday, so oh well.

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One thought on “Future Author

  1. I am so so proud of you! You have come so far since our days at the Ranch! That’s so awesome that you don’t have to see your therapist and dietitian so often. You are so close to being recovered! I really wish that I had taken more advantage of my first time in treatment. I wouldn’t be here 9 years later still dealing with it. Good for you for making the most out of Remuda and for not letting this disease define you.

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