Well last night was kind of terrible. Let me give you a little background first, though. On Sunday, my mom took me to Tyson’s Corner to get me some new jeans. Lately I have been so stressed out and anxiety-ridden when I get dressed in the morning, wondering if my pants will fit or not. When we went to the mall I ended up getting four new pairs of jeans. When I tried them on, my mom covered up the sizes so I didn’t have to worry about that factor. She took them home, hemmed the ones that needed to be hemmed and cut the sizes out of all of them. This was such a good thing for me to do because having a number tied to me is one of the worst things for me. When I know what my weight is or what pant size I am, those numbers become who I am. I am no longer Erin, I am just a number, and one that is too high for ED’s liking, regardless of whether I am 130 pounds or 82 pounds.
I went through my first day of my new jeans really well. I felt great, I felt like they looked so good on me and hugged me in all the right places. There definitely is something to be said for wearing clothe that fit you well. Day two of new jeans started well. At dinner one of my friends came up and told me she loved my boots and then added that my butt looked really good. I always love a compliment and I can actually now accept them without thinking that someone has another agenda they are operating on.
However, things went downhill real fast that night. I was putting some laundry away and found a size tag laying on my floor that must have gotten stuck in one of the jeans when my mom cut it out. I think I almost had a heart attack when I saw the size. Just over a month ago I had gotten new jeans and then I was two sizes smaller than what I just bought. How could have I gotten that much bigger in such a short amount of time? I just couldn’t believe it. Instantly I was flooded with self-hate for letting myself get so big. What was wrong with me- how could I have had such little self-control?? I am just disgusted. I know that I have been eating a little more than usual lately, but I am only eating healthy foods so it shouldn’t have made such a difference.
Whatever. I am just so over all this anxiety. I am just going to focus on keeping up with what I have been doing and leaving it up to my doctors to tell me if there’s something that I have to change. I want to be able to always be happy with my appearance but I know that’s impossible, so I am just reaching for liking myself most of the time. I hope that the day comes when I can go put on clothes and completely disregard what the size label says, only worrying about how they look on me and make me feel.
Other than that whole fiasco, things have been going pretty well I guess. My classes are all going well, I met with my advisor the other day and picked out my classes for next semester and I can register on Tuesday night. I just hope that the classes I want don’t get filled up by the juniors before I can get a chance to register for them, but I think I should be fine.
Tonight I am making dinner for my friends again. We are going to make cheese fondue. We’re going to walk over to Safeway and get some good quality cheese and then get dipping stuff in the dining hall to save money. I am really excited for that. I am planning on going to the gym when we get finished with dinner. I took Brittany and my friend Megan out to the new store Ulta and Megan and I got hair dye. She colored her hair when we were doing fondue and I am going to do mine when I get back from the gym. I am dying my hair dark black again, I miss my dark hair! Yes, the highlights looked good but they’re starting to grow out and I want my gothic look back. Haha, I’m actually the farthest thing from gothic but I like how the color looks on me, it really makes my eyes pop.
Well It’s time for me to wrap things up. I will update later and probably put a picture up of my new hair color 🙂