Not Worthy

I have a lot of trouble with not feeling worthy of the things that people do and want to do for me, for the things that I have. My birthday is coming up on Friday (Black Friday) and I just don’t feel like I deserve anything that I am going to get.

My mom suggested a spa day. I was nervous that she would spend way too much money and schedule a ton of services. I told her that all I wanted was a facial. That’s it, nothing more. She suggested that I bring Amanda, and that was a great suggestion. I can’t wait to hang out with my best friend on my birthday. I feel bad that my mom is spending money on me for these things on top of whatever presents she’s going to get me. She has been talking me into thinking of something else that I can do on my birthday since a facial obviously isn’t going to take the whole day. I suggested that I go to the movie theatre to see the new Twilight movie. I think it’s a pretty good idea! After all, I have a tradition of going to see a movie with Amanda on my birthday. Last year it was Harry Potter and I’m pretty sure it was the same the year before. My mom said that I could have some friends sleep over so I will invite Amanda and Colleen.

Guilt is another thing that I have a really hard time with. I just don’t see how I am worthy of all the wonderful things that my parents have gotten for me over my lifetime. I put them through hell when I was using eating disorder behaviors, making them watch me slowly kill myself. I cost them an inordinate amount of time and money going to treatment at Remuda. I don’t even know how much money all of my after-care appointments cost, but I know it’s not cheap. But yet, they continue to think that I am worthy of getting new things. Yes, I understand that I needed new clothes because I can’t very well try to continue to fit into clothes when I had the body of a 10-year-old, but I get so many other things. I got the new iPhone for reaching my goal weight. My mom is considering letting me take a school trip to Italy this summer. What has merited me to deserve these things? Taking care of myself? Eating? Not being depressed? Those things hardly seem to make me worthy of the things I have.

And then there’s my friends. I feel that my relationship with friends is significantly less than equal. My friends do so, so, so much for me and I feel that I do almost nothing in return. Gabrielle wrote me so many letters and sent me the best care packages when I was at Remuda. Amanda helped to get me new friends at school and makes sure that I am going out and not being reclusive and anti-social. She will leave class early to come talk to me when I am crying. Holly will talk to me at any time of day about anything, helping me through whatever problem I may have. Brittany and Colleen are the best for getting advice about my many problems. Lacey and Megan always make me laugh; even though I have known them for a very short time, I know that they are wonderful friends and that they will not judge me (unless, of course, I trip down the stairs like usual :)). Alex is one of the nicest guys that I know; he helps me to remember that I can still trust guys even when there are some exceptions that make me think that all guys are assholes. He can cheer me up whenever I am sad and always can make me laugh. There are so many other people that would take way too long to name, but to sum things up, my friends are so wonderful and I know that I can talk to them about anything, that they will have my back and that they will watch out and keep my best interest at heart. Most of the time I just don’t feel like I ever let my friends know how much I appreciate having them in my life. I hope that every one of them reads this post and knows how much I value having them in my life.

Well this post is kind of somber, and it’s supposed to be a happy day. My roommate and I might go get a fish today and then the dance is tonight! I will put up pictures later. Thanks for reading and please leave comments 🙂 it makes it seem that what I write is worthwhile


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