Blech

Today I hate my body. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I feel unattractive.

I want my body from a couple months ago. I am certain that I am above my target weight and it is  freaking me out. Part of me wants to know my weight and part of me knows that if I did it would probably cause me to spiral back into a relapse.

I am really glad that I have an appointment with my dietitian relatively soon because she will weigh me and make sure that I am at a healthy weight. Maybe I can start writing down everything that I eat during the day to make sure that I am not eating too much. I am worried about seeing how much I am eating. I can tell that I eat too much. It’s really hard to live here on campus with the dining hall where you can just eat all that you can. It’s hard to keep control of my portions.

Thanksgiving and my birthday are coming up on Thursday and Friday. I am almost paralyzed with anxiety. I get worried that I will overeat on Thanksgiving. It will be better than last year, though, because we won’t be having 30ish people over, so we won’t have nearly as much food. Thanksgiving also means desserts. Yikes. Maybe Thanksgiving will be better than I am expecting. Who knows. Usually on Thanksgiving and Christmas, we will eat our “dinner” around 3 or 4, which means that we only have breakfast and dinner. Maybe a snack at the end of the day. I can only wait and see what will happen. Wait and worry what will happen. Wait and dread what will happen. Then comes my birthday. To celebrate that, I am going to a spa to get a facial and my best friend Amanda is going to get a pedicure. After, I am going to see Twilight and am having a sleepover with Amanda and Colleen. My mom asked me if I wanted to eat at home or go out for dinner and I told her to surprise me. This makes me nervous, giving up control. So, to recap, on Thursday and Friday alone, I will be eating a huge Thanksgiving meal, pie/dessert, birthday dinner, birthday cake and possibly other snacks my friends want for the sleepover. Can I just crawl into a hole and hibernate for the rest of the winter now?

This weekend there was a dance at school. It was the most formal dance of the year and it was really fun. We hung out in our residence hall before the dance again. I wore my red lace one-shoulder dress. I was a little uneasy because it fit a little more snug than I remember it fitting when I first tried it on. I ended up just having a really great time. Contrary to what some people have been saying, I left with my roommate and ONLY my roommate. I slept in my own bed, by myself.

I love Hood College, but there are a select few people who seriously make me want to leave. I don’t understand why some people who I barely know find so much pleasure in making up rumors and telling everyone they know. At a small school like this, rumors spread like wildfire. I just am thankful for break so everyone will go home so that they will forget everything that was said.

Sunday was a lot of fun. Brittany and I went to PetsMart and I bought a fish. It’s about 3 inches long and it’s grey with black, orange and brown spots. I named him/her Mr. Jinx in honor of one of my favorite movies, Meet the Parents. That night I made dinner for Brittany, Lacey, Megan and I. I made some Chicken Alfredo. When I went into our building’s kitchen, some asshole girl was sitting in there by herself on her laptop. She had been cooking rice. I went to boil my pasta but the damn girl had left not one but TWO burners on. On high. Seriously? Some people need to be banned from the kitchen. Anyway, my chicken alfredo was so delicious. After that, we watched the end of Ace Ventura and the Break Up on E! I spent the rest of my night in bed working on my book.

Today has been pretty good so far. This morning I had a French test and it was really simple. We had our first one-on-one interview for the test. I went in the room where my teacher was and she asked me how I was, if I was thirsty and if I was cold. Well, I know I got 5/5 points on that section. In history I had to submit my book report for a book that I read probably 10 pages of, if that many. I got a test back from last week and I got a 91% on it. Now I am sitting in communications, about to kill myself.

This girl in my class is so strange. She dresses like she’s from some totally different time period. She was presenting today in class and the last slide in her power point was “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!” Are you really that desperate for people to wish you a happy birthday? If you are then congratulations on only getting one person in the room to say happy birthday: our sex-obsessed, denim dress-wearing teacher. Happy birthday.

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