I Hate This

I hate my body. I am fat and disgusting. I want to lose weight and I want to be at a place where I am happy with my appearance. I am afraid to put on jeans because I am worried they won’t fit me anymore. I want to be skinny again. I want to be attractive again. I want to be self-confident again.

On another note, yesterday was Lacey’s birthday!! We were planning on going to FUR nightclub in DC but other plans got in the way. We spent all day shopping around town, I got two ugly christmas sweaters at Goodwill. For dinner we all got dressed up and went downtown to La Paz Mexican restaurant. Our waiter was super nice. Me and Megan “went to the bathroom” and told the waiter about Lacey’s birthday and he said that he would give us a free fried ice cream.

After we finished eating, we took some pictures downtown. Megan suggested that we do some Parkour on Carroll Creek. She had me at Parkour. I went to go jump off a planter box thing and landed terribly on my feet. Pain instantly shot up through my legs and I collapsed. My heels hurt worse than I can remember anything ever hurting before. Somehow, I got up and walked back to the car. When we got back to campus I could barely walk. My friends took me to the ER.

I got back pretty quickly and they took some X Rays. It was so painful to have to move my feet around for the different pictures. They said that they didn’t see any breaks in my feet, but a radiologist would be back on Monday and would take a second look. They wrapped my feet in Ace Bandages and gave me crutches. I don’t know why they thought I could crutch. I could barely put weight on either of my feet. What I really needed was a wheelchair.

As I walked through the ER waiting room, a nurse saw how I was struggling and said he would help me get in a wheelchair. Well, we didn’t put the chair close enough to me and when I went to sit down I fell straight on the floor. I was cracking up. Brittany was cracking up. Everyone in the lobby was staring. The nurse didn’t know what to do and after about a minute him and an EMT finally helped me get back in the chair.

Back at campus, I just sat in a chair and on the floor until I attempted to get into bed. I literally crawled my desk chair and on my desk to get in bed. In the morning, I still couldn’t walk. I went to brunch and had to explain to everyone what happened. I gave as little embarrassing details as possible. It took me forever to hobble all the way to the dining hall. It was so irritating.

My mom emailed me today and said that she wants me to get an MRI if they don’t feel better (which they don’t). They can detect breaks and fractures that an X Ray can’t see. I almost want to have a break just so that I can get a cast and a more definite treatment.

I feel so bad having to rely on my friends to do things for me. Being independent is one of the things that I like most about myself and I absolutely hate having to ask for help. The fact that I can barely open a door for myself is terrible. I can’t carry my dishes to put away in the dining hall. I can only carry one plate of food at a time. I just want to get better so that I can walk normally again and go to the gym and work on getting rid of this extra disgusting weight that is stuck on my body.

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One thought on “I Hate This

  1. Read through your old posts on here for some encouragement and reminder of how far you have come and how strong and amazing you are ❤

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