This Is Not What Christmas Is Supposed To Be Like

Well I got a terrible voice mail today and I am freaking out waiting for a follow-up call. My dad left a message while I was in my doctor appointments saying that he thought my grandfather was having a stroke. He said he was talking oddly and that he wasn’t feeling well. I tried calling my dad back but, as usual, his phone is turned off. This is the most important time for it to be on and it’s not. All I can do is sit here and try to relax, but that’s not working at all. I won’t be able to calm down until I hear back from my dad. This is just something I did not see coming at all. I knew Poppy’s health has been declining, but I didn’t think it was this bad.

As I am writing this, I got a call back from my dad. My grandfather is in the emergency room right now and they’re trying to figure out what’s going on. They think he might have pneumonia. My dad also said he has a rash on his chest, possibly from a reaction to a medicine he was given. My dad said that I don’t need to go over there or anything but my mom is heading back from work to go to the hospital. That’s really all I know for now.

On another note, I had my doctor appointments this morning. I went back to the podiatrist and she wants me to wear my boots for two more weeks and then go back and visit her again. They did some more therapy on them where they rubbed gels on my feet and put cortisone patches on. When I went the first time, my heels were at “5.7” and now they’re at “4.6” I am not sure what those numbers signify, but the decrease is apparently a good thing. When a man who works there was doing my therapy he was making the most awkward conversation. He asked if I got to skip school for my appointment and I said “I’m a sophomore in college, buddy” and he got quiet real quick.

After that, I had to head right over to my psychiatrist. I haven’t seen him in a while and our visits are really quick; just checking to make sure I’m not having suicidal thoughts basically. I asked him about Accutane, which my dermatologist suggested. My mom has been freaking out majorly about the side effects of it, but my psychiatrist said that he doesn’t see any reason why it would be unsafe for me to go on it. He said that he’s dealt with a lot of patients who have gone on it and they have never had any problems.

Driving home, I stopped at Starbucks to get a latte for the first time in God knows how long. When I was leaving, I saw one of my parents’ friends who has known me since I was born and we talked for a little bit. It was nice to get to see her again; I don’t think that I have seen her since I was in high school.

Tomorrow my mom is having her retirement celebration at work. I asked if I could go with her and she said I could. It’s really strange thinking that my mom is retiring. She just doesn’t seem old enough to be eligible for it! She told me that people are probably going to say some words about her, so I came up with a little speech that I am going to say as well. After the party, I am going to make some Christmas cookies with Colleen and watch True Blood. I haven’t seen her in a while and I have a lot to catch her up on.

I’m getting really tired of waiting for my weight to level out. I looked in the mirror this morning as I was getting dressed and I was disgusted with the reflection that I saw. I know I need to trust my dietitian that my weight will go back to where it’s supposed to be but it’s just so difficult tho believe that. It’s going to be a challenge to listen to what she says and just eat normally and have faith that things will work out on their own. This lack of mobility also sucks. I want to go to the gym and get some of my pent up energy out but I obviously can’t do that when I can’t stand up without being in pain. I just wish that I could take some special medicine that would put me back at my goal weight. And keep it there.

With the New Year approaching, I am getting really upset about going through yet another year without having a boyfriend. It’s hard to not think that there’s something wrong with me. I know I tend to get emotionally involved quickly when someone shows an interest in me, and maybe that scares some people off. Maybe guys read my blog, learning of what I’ve been through and struggle with, and just consider me “damaged goods” and don’t realize that I’m not in as bad of a condition as I used to be in. Unlike some people, my past experiences have built me up to be a much stronger person. I am more cautious and I am forced to try to judge people better. I feel like I’m a pretty good judge of character, but like everyone, I can be wrong sometimes and those instances really get me down. I get my hopes crushed a lot when someone randomly stops talking to me. I have finally started to develop feelings for someone new and I am so scared to do anything about them because I don’t want to mess anything up that hasn’t even started. I know it’s unfair of me to expect him to make every move, and I am working on getting my courage up to try and do something.

Well that’s all for now. I am getting hungry and am going to grab something to eat. I will post back later. Thanks for reading 🙂


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