Mixed Feelings

I am having a lot of conflicted feelings lately. I really hate the way that my body looks right now. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. I know things will change but I want them to instantly. When I went in to see my therapist earlier this week, I talked to her about this. She said that it is time for me to get back into exercising again so that I feel strong in my body again. So that I feel my body can actually do something. She suggested that I contact a personal trainer to get a workout regimen written up for me that I can do on my own. In my recovery I have responded very well to structure, and I feel that this regimen will be very helpful to me. Whenever I go into a gym, I pretend like I know what I should be doing to get the results that I want, but in reality I have no idea what I am doing in there. I have emailed one trainer so far that I found online but so far I have not gotten a response. I will try calling sometime today, though. I am eager to get back in the gym. Since I had my feet healing for a couple weeks, I was basically immobile. I was going to head back to the gym during my break, but I stupidly left my gym shoes on campus and I can’t go to workout in Ugg boots or flats. I would just hurt myself again.

In the social aspect of my life, I honestly don’t see how I could be happier. I love spending time with my friends, and from what I can tell, that feeling is mutual. Tomorrow I get to move back onto campus and I am so excited to see Brittany, Lacey and Megan again! We have sooooo much to catch up on. It will be nice to get back into a routine, too. I find myself not knowing what to do to fill my days. I’m basically all packed up and I just want to get out of the house. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but I am not meant to live at home for the rest of my life. I have spent 19 years with them and I just want friend time.

Javier is amazing. He is the best boyfriend that I could ask for. Every day I think of how lucky I am to have met him. He treats me like a queen. Thursday I went to spend the day with him. We went to the movies with his younger cousin and her boyfriend. We were going to see The Devil Inside, but the guy working there was being a bitter douche and wouldn’t let us see it because his cousin didn’t have her ID. I swear, that guy would card my grandfather. We ended up seeing Sherlock Holmes instead, and it was pretty darn good. I really like those movies because they are filmed really well. It’s cool when the time is slowed down for some parts, like fight scenes. Anyway, after the movie, we dropped his cousin and her boyfriend back off at school and went to get some lunch. We hung out at his house until it was time to pick up his two other cousins who are in kindergarten and third grade. They are absolutely adorable. They had a DVD of Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Shakira and Pussycat Dolls music videos and we spent some time watching them together. The younger girl drew me a bunch of pictures that are so adorable. I really enjoy spending time with his family, they are so kind and loving. Around 6:30 it was time to head home, as much as I didn’t want to leave. Every moment that I get to spend with him, I cherish.

That’s all for now. I am going to get back to reading the last book in the Sookie Stackhouse series! See, Brittany, I am going to finish them!!


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