50/50

Tonight there was a “blockbuster movie” at school. They are usually held once a month, and tonight’s was 50/50. I was really looking forward to seeing it since I heard it was funny. Well, I now wish that I hadn’t seen it.

Like anyone with a functioning brain, I knew that this movie was about cancer. I just didn’t know it would be as serious as it was. For the first half of the movie, I was fine. But, when the main character started getting sicker, I lost it. I just kept picturing my mom in his place.

You see, my mom got breast cancer when I was in 6th grade. I didn’t really know how to handle it. I don’t remember much from that time, except that I slept over at my best friend Gabrielle’s house the night of her surgery and I cried myself to sleep sometime in the early-morning hours. I was so scared that she wasn’t going to make it. I would periodically go with her to her radiation treatment sessions, but I would always wait in the waiting room, never going back with her.

Watching this movie made me feel really guilty about her time with cancer. Throughout my struggle with this eating disorder, she has been there with me every step of the way. I feel like even though I was young, I should have been there for her more. Looking back at how scared I was, I can’t even imagine what was going through her mind.

There was a scene in the movie where one man who was going through Chemotherapy passed away suddenly one night and his funeral was held. All I could picture was holding a funeral for my mother. I started sobbing.

Another scene was right before the main character went in for his surgery, close to the end of the movie. His parents and best friend were there for him. I started sobbing even harder. Brittany had to gently touch my arm and ask if I needed to leave. I wish that I had been there for my mom when she went in for surgery and when she came out, so I could know that moment she was going to be okay. Not knowing is one of the worst feelings in the world.

This whole night has just made me feel so thankful for my parents, my family and my dear friends who all have their health now. I want to go and hug each and every one of them and not let go. I want to be there for them through anything that comes there way. I want to be a rock that they can lean on and a shoulder they can cry on. I want to help people feel safe and secure.

Thank you mom and thank you dad for being there for me through everything. Each day I feel guilty for the worry, stress and anxiety I caused you; the money I used up at Remuda; the money I continue to use up in therapy, dietitian, and now personal training sessions; I’m sorry for the secrets I kept from you; I’m sorry for everything, but I would not want to change what happened. I am a stronger person now and I have more direction in life. Without you, I would probably not be in college right now, or maybe I wouldn’t even be alive. I love you both and would not have been able to get to where I am without your unwavering support and love.

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