A New Low

No, I have not hit a new low weight-wise, but emotionally. I went in for just an ordinary doctor appointment to discuss switching birth control pills and so I can get a clearance for physical activity. Ever since I have been going in for weekly weight-checks, the nurses have known to make sure I don’t see my weight. Well the retarded nurse today must have let the fact that I am a recovering anorexic slip her mind because it was written on the “receipt” that I got to take home with me.

I thought I was going to have a breakdown in the office, but I managed to hold myself together until I got out the door. I broke down and sobbed for a good hour. My weight is the highest it has been in my entire life. What is going on here? How can I be so high above the goal weight that my doctors medically set for me? How could they have let me get to this point? I am absolutely disgusted with myself. Excuse the mention of numbers, but my goal weight is 40 pounds below where I am right now. My jaw is on the floor and I am just begging myself to have the willpower to stop stuffing food in it.

Javier has been awesome through all this, reminding me how beautiful I am, but right now, knowing the number I feel like I have tattooed on my forehead, beautiful is the last thing I would describe myself as. I have lost all self control.

I want to go to my dietitian and get a concrete meal plan laid out that will help me get back down to where I need to be. I want to go meet my trainer and get an exercise plan to help me get back down to where I need to be. I want to meet with my therapist as soon as possible so this anxiety, stress and overflow of emotions doesn’t turn back into restriction and starvation. I know I already didn’t eat as I should have at dinner, but I just couldn’t handle eating at the moment. I couldn’t finish a bowl of chicken soup. I felt like I was going to explode. I just sat there comparing myself to everyone at my table, everyone in the dining hall, everyone that I had come into contact with that day. I hate it.

I want this fucking eating disorder to just leave. I am racked with guilt and shame that I even got myself into this situation in the first place. I want to stay in bed and never get out for the rest of my life. I want to live in sweatpants because only one pair of jeans fit me.


One thought on “A New Low

  1. This post breaks my heart. Everyone makes mistakes but in your situation, they should’ve been a lot more on the ball with this. I’m so sorry to hear the hurt you’re going through right now.
    Ask yourself, though, as mundane as it seems- what good is binge eating now going to do for you? What else can you do to comfort yourself that isn’t destructive?
    Wishing all the best for you!

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