Tonight I was looking back at old pictures. Most of them from vacations of this past summer. At that point, I was in the weight restoration phase of my recovery, and I was finally living happily. But seeing those pictures now, with a completely different body is something much harder to do than I thought it would be.
I thought that I would be able to keep memories from that time, that I would be able to look back through those old pictures and enjoy the time that I spent at Bald Head Island with one of my best friends and her family.
I was wrong.
Seeing myself as skinny as I still was at that point is not good. It makes me feel like I should be at that weight again (whatever weight I was at anyway). But, the logical part of me, the part of me that is not an eating disorder talking, knows that I am far healthier than I was at that point. I just need to keep up what I am doing and I know there will be change coming for the better. I am becoming stronger. I am becoming faster. I am becoming happier.
The other day in therapy, we were discussing how people who have been through addiction and eating disorders that have damaged their organs beyond repair have just dropped dead without any notice. People who have been in recovery or who have been clean. My therapist does not believe that if I relapsed I would live through it. That terrified me. I was immobilized. I was crying.
There are so many things in life that I want to experience. I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to travel. I want to be happy and satisfied. I don’t want to spend my days with only one relationship: me and ED. That is a thing of my past and I will do anything within my power to keep it that way.
Today my good friend Christina tweeted me this,“There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.”
It just rang so true to me. That’s what my life is like right now. It made me tear up at how true it is to what stage I’m in. I am so lucky to have her as a friend. She’s the only one here who truly knows what I am going through. I feel like I can tell her anything and she will listen and help me.