Seclusion

Lately I have been having a real problem with lack of inspiration for what to blog about. It’s been really troubling. I haven’t been having many problems or struggles, but when I do I just have been talking them out with my friends, Javier and my therapist. And the problems that I have been having just aren’t important enough to blog about, or I just don’t want people I know to be reading what’s on my mind.

Last night, however, sitting in bed around 1 a.m. I had a revelation and I knew what I needed to write about.

I read on Facebook a couple days ago that a friend from Remuda was having a lot of trouble having faith in God lately, and couldn’t find much to hold onto in life. I had a moment last night where I felt a connection with some higher power and I let her know about it. Scrolling down to the other comments people had left, I found that she was admitted to a Christian mental health hospital.

It really pains me that my friends from Remuda are struggling so much. It pains me that I haven’t been there for them as much as I want to be. I know that there’s a lot of distance between all of us (at least 2.5 hours) and that doesn’t really help things, but it’s not a very good excuse.

My reason for not keeping in touch, I am not sure of. But what I do know is that I feel my connection with them fading for some reason. I don’t know if it’s because I’m finally breaking free from the last grips that anorexia has on me, or I just don’t want to put myself at risk of relapse from hearing struggles. Could it be that the age gap is affecting things? I’m at such a different stage of my life than everyone else; some are getting married, some have kids, others are adults with full-time jobs while I’m still a sophomore in college trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Maybe I just don’t have much to connect with them on since we were brought together in such dire circumstances.

This also makes me wonder if I’ve been a neglectful friend to my other friends. I really hope that’s not the case. At all. That would upset me so much. I try soooooo hard to be a good friend, but there are days when I just can’t handle devoting time to others. It seems selfish, but there are times when I just have to focus on keeping myself sane, healthy and happy.

Another worry is that I just have not been feeling like doing much lately. I have felt really shut off from people who used to be my friends. It’s not that that really bothers me, but it keeps me from wanting to go out on the weekends. I don’t like going places where people make me feel unwelcome, and I feel like these days, that’s basically everywhere. No one invites me anywhere or tells me about anything going on. It doesn’t bother me because a lot of people here just start and perpetuate drama, and I don’t want anything to do with it.

Amanda was hanging out with me yesterday and said that on friday she wants to go out and do something, like go to a party, and that whole idea just completely turned me off. I know I will go out, depending on whether my mom wants me home to celebrate Easter, since I will be spending saturday and sunday with Javier and his family. I just need to remember to not shut myself out.

To wrap things up, things have just been kind of lonely lately. I’ve been spending all my time with Brittany and Christina, which is great. But it’s so irritating sensing the visible tension between the people who used to be so welcoming earlier. Things are fine when it’s a small group, but when more and more people are included, it just gets too strange and uncomfortable. I am hopeful that next year things will be better, but I can never be sure about how other people will act. Right now I just need to focus on being the best friend I can be for the friends who have proven that they have been there for me through ups and downs and aren’t going anywhere.

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