Tears

There have been a lot of tears lately in my life. 

On saturday things got pretty emotional. One of my best friends was hurting and Brittany and I were talking her through things and trying to help as much as we could. Unfortunately, she was really drunk and couldn’t make the most coherent and smart decisions. The second time we went in to check on her, we were shocked with what happened.
I just started crying when I saw the situation. It’s not my place to divulge details of another’s struggles, but it just was a very triggering situation for me to be in. Brittany and I had to go through her room and make sure it was a safe place for her since she didn’t want to sleep in our room with us where we could make sure she was okay.
When we got back in the room, we just broke down because we don’t know how to help her when she gets in situations like that. We were talking about things when we heard her voice in the hallway despite her saying she wanted to go to sleep.
Going out in the hallway, we saw her and told her to go to her room (yes I know that we were treating her like a child, but that was the best way to handle the situation at the moment). We saw a guy in the hallway who really shouldn’t have been there. We immediately told him to get the hell out, very sternly. He just looked at us like he didn’t know what to do.
We went in our friend’s room and saw the guy who we were trying to keep from being there, in some state of undress. I was livid. Brittany was livid. We ordered him out and he just wouldn’t cooperate; couldn’t tell that the situation was not ideal. Eventually he left and we spent the next half hour talking to our friend to calm her down.
I got ahold of her sister and got her to come pick her up for the night because I just didn’t think that she would be okay by herself all night. She got home safely and Brittany and I just went back in our room and talked through things.
We are both trying to be the best friends we can be, but it’s so hard to babysit her like we had to that night. I don’t mind doing it, it’s just exhausting, mentally and physically. I didn’t get to sleep until past 4:00 a.m. I talked about how it was really triggering for me to deal with everything that night. It just wasn’t good for me. I really wanted to go to therapy and talk through it all. Unfortunately I don’t have an appointment until Wednesday night now. 
I texted Javier in a state of disarray that night, asking him to call me when he woke up in the morning because I wanted to talk to him. Stupidly, I turned my ringer off through the night and I was awoken by him calling Brittany to see if I was okay. I saw that he called me 5 times and I felt terrible. He said that he was out back and had come to see me. It was so thoughtful that he dropped everything to come see me, regardless of the time or anything. I just folded into his arms and took him to go talk through everything that happened. He helped me understand that it’s impossible for me to be a mother figure to everyone and it was justifiable that I was upset with my friend for what happened. It was nice to just cuddle with him and relax for a couple hours. 

On sunday my mom took me shopping to get some summer clothes. On the way there, she asked if I was going to be okay with seeing what size I am and I said yes. Turns out that was a wrong guess.
We first went to Nordstrom and I tried on some shirts along with some shorts and capris. I could barely get the shorts up and the ones that I could looked freaking disgusting. I saw my reflection in the mirror and wanted to die. I hated the person that stared back at me.
I exercise all the time, how could I have cellulite for days on my legs? It was revolting. I just wanted to leave and get it over with. My mom asked if I was okay when I got out of the fitting room and I said no, but that I didn’t want to talk about it.  
Later, things got better as I just tried on shirts and some other pants that actually fit. But, I was still disgusted. Later on our way back, I asked if we could go to Chipotle to get some food (and so I could surprise Javier) and so we did that. My heart melted when he finally noticed that I was there. I know it was probably the last thing he expected and I loved surprising him. He unfortunately couldn’t take break when I was there, but he was able to step out for a drink two times to give me a hug and chat quickly. 
That evening when I was in Whitaker doing work with Brittany I was talking to him about my self disgust with myself. I hate telling him those things because I don’t want him to worry about me because self disgust is usually one of the first steps toward a slip or relapse and I don’t want that to be in my future. I just have to talk to him about those things, though, because he helps me through it so much. It’s unbelievable what he can do for me.

As I was sitting in Whitaker trying to be productive, I kept rushing to the bathroom. All day it had been painful when i urinated, but now it was getting to the point where I just couldn’t piss anything more than a tablespoon amount of urine. I was in so much pain and discomfort, and I had a really good feeling that I had a UTI. So, I went back to the room to get some tylenol, planning on going to the health center in the morning. 
My pain was so bad that I just couldn’t move. I called my mom and asked her to take me somewhere, an urgent care center, the hospital, anything so that I could get the pain allayed. She said she’d come and take me to an urgent care center.
When we got to where the center should have been, it wasn’t there. I found another on about five minutes away so we went there, only to find that it was closed. First of all, how can an urgent care center be closed.
By now, I was in a pained panic. My mom said she would take me to the hospital (which is a 5 minute WALK from my campus, by the way) and I was in the waiting room for over 2 hours. I didn’t get out of the hospital until 1:15 a.m. Turns out I do have a UTI and it was bad enough that I was passing blood in my urine, too. I was given a prescription for pain medicine and antibiotics that i have to take for five days. It was nice to get a definite answer and know that I would be able to sleep.
Today I am feeling much, much better even though it’s still painful to pee.  

This afternoon, it didn’t make me cry, but it was certainly irritating. I was trying to leave to go home to get a fan since the college can’t seem to turn the A/C on in my dorm. As I was walking to my car, I saw a younger teenager and his father pulling into a parking space behind me (the boy was driving). I began backing out of my space when the guy decided to back out and hit my car. We got like wedged together or something retarded and then we had to deal with this. Apparently they were picking up his son from swim practice. 
Campus security was called and they took all our information. We eventually got the cars separated and it turns out that the man did not tell campus security that his son was driving. I told them that, and Brittany saw and corroborated my story so they’re going to deal with that. I told my parents and fortunately they weren’t mad at me. But really, it wasn’t my fault anyway. And campus security said that the swim parents are not supposed to be parked on campus getting their children.

 

Anyway, I’m up waiting for registration at midnight while watching Breaking Bad and texting my boytoy.

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