Drifting Apart

I am at a loss of what our friendship is coming to, or has already come to. It feels like I’ve done everything I can think of and can bring myself to do to keep things going. I admit, for a while I was distant but it was because you just caught me off guard with some worry you had for me. It bothered me a lot. I tried to figure out what you meant but I never heard back from you. I kept trying to contact you but I never got replies.

When you sent me a message recently having the same wonder of what’s happening with our friendship, I thought that things would improve. I was upset, because I felt like you put all the blame for the distance on me and my new relationship when that’s not the case. 

I don’t really know what to do. I know people grow apart and our friendship was forged out of utter chaos. It’s really hard to keep something like that going, especially with all the physical distance between us. I know we’re at different life stages; I’m at college trying to plan out my life and you’re working full-time. 

When I got in trouble it seemed like you gave up on me. You say you didn’t know what to say and that you’re concerned, and I appreciate your concern, but the truth is that no one really knows what to say in a situation like that but my other friends here didn’t back away from me, they stood by me and held me while I cried and listened while I stayed up at night worrying over what would happen. 

Hearing that you are struggling right now is hard, and I wish I could be there for you, but it’s hard since you’ve been pushing me away. I have things of my own to worry about, too, and if you can’t be there for me anymore I’d just like to know. I don’t want to be upset over losing someone who doesn’t care about me anymore; those would be lost tears.

The endings of friendships are a sad thing, but maybe it’s time for us to go our separate ways. I’m trying to put my anorexic past behind me for good and eating disorders, depression and treatment is what our friendship is based on. It’s basically the only thing we talked about. Did we ever have a truly normal friendship? I don’t know and probably won’t ever know. All I know is that our friendship served a purpose for both of us at the time, and maybe now neither of us need it anymore and our unconscious can tell that, but our conscious selves just can’t.

I’m sorry if I hurt you.

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