Sometimes I wonder. Actually, all the time I wonder. I don’t think a minute goes by when there’s nothing on my mind. The bad thing is that most of my thoughts are worries, negative thoughts about myself, feelings of guilt, etc.
Often I am torn between whether recovery or relapse would be easier. I know logically that there’s no argument, but some days it is honestly so exhausting to be battling this eating disorder.
If anything, it’s even harder dealing with this now rather than earlier in my recovery. For months I’d been coming off as confident and happy. Yes, when I went to my appointments, I did feel confident and happy. I was truly happy, but only in certain aspects. That’s why it’s so hard now. Now that I’ve met with my therapist and dietitian again they both mentioned about how surprising it was that I needed to come back in for such a big problem.
Sigh: that’s the word to describe my mood lately.
One thing that I want so badly right now is to lose weight. Because of that, my mental incapability to nourish my body properly.
Today I went to my dietitian. It was such a load off my shoulders getting to see her. I expressed my desire, need, to lose weight. We addressed how my weight has slowly creeped up and up over the months, how I’ve never been the weight I am today.
I left that office assured. In the appointment we made up a meal plan for myself. Well, it’s not exactly a meal plan, but how many exchanges I need for each meal and suggested foods to fulfill each exchange. I am not going to deny that I’m extremely intimidated by my meal plan. I can’t imagine how it will help me maintain my weight. However, I know deep down that I need to remind myself every time I have doubts that I am going back next week, and if my weight is different, there will be adjustments made.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I want to be honest about what’s going on with my feelings. There’s one week to go. I need to take it one day at a time and everything is going to be okay.