Recovery is a tough thing to define. In my mind, there are two types of recovery: mental and physical. Physical is just what it sounds like: not acting on any eating disorder behaviors.
Mental recovery is a little tougher to define, especially with American culture. It seems like in our culture, it’s a normal thing for women to bash their bodies. However, for people who have an eating disorder, those thoughts are taken to another level. It becomes obsessive. It takes over your mind to the point of no return.
In that sense, it is so difficult for eating disorder patients to get rid of those thoughts. With any given moment, they can find a way to creep back in.
I like to base my level of mental recovery on my state of mind at the time. Say, if I look in the mirror and see that my legs have cellulite and I wish they didn’t and was upset about it for a few minutes, that would be considered a non-eating disorder thought. However, if when I saw the cellulite and thought to myself a plan on how to restrict and exercise in order to get rid of it, that would be an eating disorder thought.
Right now, I do not consider myself to be mentally recovered. In fact, I may go so far as to say I am mentally relapsed. I have been really depressed lately, and in turn I’ve been so overly-emotional. I get upset over little things. My desire to lose weight again is so strong, that I wish I would just completely isolate myself from everything and go unnoticed as I waste away again.
But, the catch is that I don’t want that. I don’t want to go back to my pre-Remuda weight. I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with Javier. I know that that part of me is what’s going to keep me afloat in these tough times.
I guess what I’m trying to say is to not let negative thoughts spiral you into relapse. Just because you may think negatively and think that you so badly want what took your life away, talk back. Remind yourself about what you’d lose. What I like to do is remind myself of how much of a financial burden recovery is. And for me, having those costs on top of college is ridiculous.
Recovery is hard. There’s not a doubt in my mind about that, but I manage. On tough days when I feel like giving up, I make my way through the day and know tomorrow will be better.