As you may have known, I have been attending church regularly, and attending RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation of Adult) classes as well so that I can become baptized and confirmed. Each day, it seems that religion plays a little bit larger of a role in my life.
It is strange for me to feel a presence of God in my life, and sometimes I even have a hard time accepting what I truly know is happening.
Lately I have been really questioning why I have been struggling so much lately. I am baffled; I was doing so well-I had my depression under control, I had great friends-and then things took a turn for the worse.
In my RCIA class the other day, my instructor asked us to think of times when we have heard God speaking to us through others around. I immediately drew to mind one day in my eating disorders support group when a girl, well woman, mentioned how she has a really hard time opening up to her parents about what is going on.
That is exactly what I struggle with.
And then it dawned on me: maybe God meant for me to learn that important skill, and because I didn’t learn it the first go around, He pushed me back a few steps so that I could end up even better than before.
Speaking to my parents about this stuff is really hard. Speaking to anyone about it is hard. I don’t want to feel as though I am a burden to anyone around me. I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want to have to give up my independence again just because someone is afraid I may relapse. It won’t happen; I have way too much self-control over that.
Anyway, I am taking baby steps to open up to them. I tested the waters this morning with my mom, and it actually went pretty well. She told me how it is relieving to hear from me about what’s going on and that when she doesn’t hear, she assumes worse things than what actually is going on.
I’m going to try harder at sharing my feelings. It will definitely take some conscious effort though. It has been so natural for me to suppress my emotions, negative or positive.
I suggest that everyone try to take a deep, deep look into their lives about any causes for where they are at presently. It takes some time, and you may realize something without even trying.