New Season, New Joys

With the changing of the seasons there’s so many fall and winter activities that I look forward to enjoying. You’ve got the basics: carving pumpkins, dressing up for Halloween, sweaters and boots, seeing your family for Thanksgiving. But then there are other aspects that I am so looking forward to, like simply enjoying a cup of homemade hot cocoa while curled up with a blanket. 

Simple moments during Fall I know I’ll be able to enjoy because I can just be. I can enjoy just sitting alone and not have one single thought in my mind. Before I was recovered, it was impossible to have a moment of peace within my head. But now I don’t have to worry about an endless stream of thoughts reminding me of how gross and worthless I thought I was. How worthless I convinced myself that I was. 

I’ve always loved going to the pumpkin patch. After successfully finding the best pumpkin for carving, I always wanted to be like everyone else and enjoy a cup of hot apple cider, but I couldn’t let myself do that because it was not zero calories. And not only that, I couldn’t have any way of telling how many calories I’d need to work off throughout the day because there’s no nutritional facts on homemade apple cider. 

This year, though, things are different. I’ve already made apple cider once and it was great. I made vegan hot cocoa as well and I love it. There’s so much pleasure in winding down my night with a cup of hot cocoa made from steamed almond milk. It’s rich and satisfying and I feel so much nourishment from it. Not in the sense of food nutrition, but my soul is healed from it.

It sounds silly, but once you are recovered, you can take a step back from yourself and realize how much you had missed out on when your significant other was an eating disorder. Now don’t get me wrong, an eating disorder was not pleasant. But, I don’t look back with disdain on all the things I missed out on. No, not one bit; knowing what I missed out on makes the joy from those activities world greater. It also serves as motivation to keep up my good work. 

I always spent a lot of time worrying that I’d spend the rest of my life worrying about food and dieting but I’ve finally learned that it doesn’t have to be that way. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I’m so grateful for it and all the lessons that I’ve learned to get here.

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