A Dream Come True

It seems like not a week goes by where my life has not changed in some way. I’ve been really bad about blogging, as well. It seems like I tell myself that I’m going to resolve to blog more, along with other productive activities and then I find myself curled up on the couch reading a book or doing a crossword puzzle- in short, anything but what I planned on doing. 

Anyway, today was national left-handers day, so I knew from the break of dawn that I was destined to have a good day. If you have not figured it out, I am a lefty and proud of it. In the middle of my morning sociology class, an ordinary bathroom trip turned out to be something spectacular. As I sat down on the porcelain throne, I did what any other young person would do-I pulled out my phone. 

Scrolling through my emails, I saw an unread message from a woman at Sol Yoga studio and my heart stopped for probably about 5 minutes, I’d say. 

Rewind two measly days: sitting in my yoga class at Hood College, my instructor (and in many ways, mentor) called me over to discuss signing up for Sol Yoga’s teacher training certification course that is beginning in the end of March.

For many months now it has been a dream of mine to become a yoga teacher, practicing what I love and what has changed my life for the better. My instructor gave me the email address of who to contact about the training and let me know that there was in fact space still available. Rushing back to my mat, I frantically composed an email on my new phone, which was no easy task, let me tell you. 

This brings us up to date. So, there I was on the toilet, ready to open the email that would either make or break my day.

I guess you can infer what happened next: I GOT IN. I probably would have jumped for joy had I not been planted on the commode. I honestly never thought such an amazing opportunity would come to me, much less seem to just fall into my lap. It is honestly as if some greater being was calling the shots with this one. 

So, now I wait until I can take in my payment and start counting down the days (30) until the training starts! I can’t wait until I can get this new chapter of my life opened up.

One lesson that I learned from this whole journey is that when opportunity comes your way, seize that chance when you can. I had to put in my 2 weeks notice at my current job, which was a big toughie for me. I have this weird complex about disappointing people and my anxiety was so high from knowing that I needed to have that unpleasant conversation. But, I just pulled my big-girl pants on and just went for it. 

So, if there is something that you want to do with your life, just go for it! There is no better way to live your life than to be in the moment. Chase your dreams and don’t worry about the “what-ifs.” Live your life the way you want to, and do not live unhappily if you can do anything else about it!

Falling Forward

Fall is tough for those of us who are in recovery. 

It can even be tough for those who are recovered, and that is okay. I am putting my guard up for the potential hazards of fall. 

Everyone has their own set of triggers, and winter weather holds a lot for most people. What with the cold weather keeping you indoors more, or the rich treats like pumpkin pie and hot chocolate. During the fall and winter months I have a couple methods to keep myself sane. 

Getting outdoors

Making sure that I get outdoors and away from the usual surroundings is really important to me this time of year. Fresh air can do a whole lot for the body and soul. Getting some exercise outdoors gets your blood pumping and gives your metabolism a little boost to help digest those cookies you indulge in. 

Getting outside for a walk or jog can also be a great way for people to bond. Whenever my boyfriend and I go for a walk outside with our dog Bonnie, it’s such a great time. We get to just talk, enjoy nature and be by ourselves. 

This is Culler Lake, right by my house, which is one of my favorite Frederick places to walk or go for a run.

Plus, what time of year is more beautiful for a walk outside? None, that’s the answer. The leaves are changing, fallen leaves crunch beneath your feel and the air is crisp and rejuvenating. 

Exercising

This one is pretty much a no-brainer. On a normal basis, I like to take yoga and get to the gym for spin class. But working some exercise in does not have to mean taking an hour out of your day to toil in a sweaty gym. Even getting outside for a 15-minute walk or riding my bike to class makes me feel so much better.

When I am sitting at home with nothing to do I get tempted to just wander into the kitchen to find something to munch on. Yes, I feel good for a bit when I have a snack (that I don’t really need; there is a difference when you are truly hungry and need something to hold you over). But, I feel even better for the rest of the day when I have done something physical, no matter how long or short of a time period I was active for. 

Crafts

Ever heard of art therapy? Some may be skeptical, but it is a real thing that works wonders. Around fall I love fewer things more than I love sitting down to complete a craft. This time of year is perfect for crafting because you can make adorable seasonal decorations for the house, like my Harvest letters pictured below.

I have got a lot of crafts on my schedule for this winter and fall. Since I just moved into a new house this summer, I realized I need all new Christmas ornaments for myself, so I have plenty of ideas for those, some of which will not cost me one dollar. 

Crafting also allows for one to be social, which is another important thing for sanity. This December I am going to have some girlfriends over to make Christmas ornaments together and I know that we will all have a great time and that it will be a welcome break from the approaching end of the semester. 

Staying Social

Keeping up with family is pretty easy to do this time of year. It seems that most families get together on Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is always one of my favorite things to do. A downside, though, is that most of time, those family gatherings are centered around food.

One suggestion is to see if anyone wants to get outside to go for a walk after Thanksgiving dinner and jump-start that metabolism. I know that after a big meal I always feel yucky and sluggish if I just sit around. This year I am definitely going to try to get as many people as I can to get some fresh air. 

Beyond family gatherings, it is still really important, at least for me, to stay in touch with my friends. Living off campus it is a little tougher for me to be able to find time to hang out with friends; it was much easier last year when my friends lived just down the hall from me. 

To make sure that I see people, I sometimes have to force myself to go out. Being a natural introvert and homebody, it is not fun at the start to force myself into a social situation, but once I am out I always have a good time.

Another way that I keep up with friends is to organize small gatherings at my house, like the craft party that I mentioned. In the fall and winter, I can also have friends over to decorate Christmas cookies or just sit around and watch holiday movies. 

 

Overall, there are many opportunities to stay a couple steps ahead of the winter blues. They may not be apparent at first, and they may not even seem like enough to really make a difference in your mood, but trust me, they will! The biggest thing to keep in mind is just try and put yourself out there. Do not close yourself off from participating in something because you are too scared. Fall is scary for those of us in recovery or who are recovered. Do not let past experiences hold you back from creating new, better ones. 

Looking Toward The Future

Whenever someone mentions graduation and my plans for work after that date, I used to feel my throat close up and fear, anxiety and worry wash over me. With the new peace of mind that I’ve come to discover in myself I’ve come to realize that worrying about the future serves me no good. 

Freaking out and having the mindset that I will not get hired into a career right off the stage getting my diploma is an irrational and ridiculous way to think. So what if I do not get started on a career pathway right after I graduate? The worst that will happen is that I continue working part time. That’s not so bad, and it is certainly a lot better than not working. And I know my parents: if I need help to get by while I am job hunting, they will give me the assistance that I need while still letting me learn how to live independently. 

For a while I had been entertaining the idea of going into yoga teacher training after graduation, but I had been brushing it off as silly. I have been hesitant to let people know it is something that I’m considering for fear that they will look down on me and tell me to “get a real job.”

I think I have come to the decision that after graduation, and possibly after a little “me time”, that looking into Yoga teacher training is something that I’d love to do. It just makes sense at that point. Before I get into a full-time position, I can use some of my savings and take teacher training part time and work part time. If Yoga teacher training is something that I find is my true calling, then what better a point in my life to discover that than right before I enter the “real life” workforce?

When my yoga teacher at Hood told me she can see me becoming a yoga teacher,  it felt like my insides did the Macarena. I was truly overcome with joy. I do not remember a time when someone said they have seen potential for me to do something that I’ve felt truly passionate about.

My joy was also so great from the fact that I had never mentioned that Yoga teaching was something I’d been considering. Previously, when people have asked what my career plans are, I have mentioned writing or editing, to have a response to the effect of “oh, you’d be great at that!” And that type of response never seems completely genuine. I mean, who, with any modicum of respect, is going to tell someone not to pursue one of their goals? 

Anyhow, I guess this new clarity and realization of my goals has brought a lot of peace of mind into my life. When people ask about my plans after college, I can honestly say that I do not know where I’ll be, that I will figure it out when I get there and that I’m completely fine with it. I hold this very dear to me, know how I used to worry and seeing how my other classmates stress out and fret over the future. I hope that everyone can come to this same level of ease in their own way, and I hope that I’ve helped to remind seniors that it doesn’t pay to worry. I have found that, no matter how hard I try or how many setbacks I seem to encounter, that things tend to unfold in a positive manner in the end. 

Getting Back On Track

Wow! It has been a long time since I last posted. In ways that is both good an bad. 

Good: I have been having little to no eating disorder thoughts and behaviors!! I am off Prozac!! 
Bad: I have not been able to share my progress with readers and have not had the chance to give others hope of recovery.

For a while I thought that I could say I was recovered. I realized, though, when particularly stressful times came about that I was not, which was still okay though! Just because you think you’re recovered and have things happen to show you otherwise that DOES NOT mean that you won’t become recovered. Just give it time, recovery is NOT  a process that can be rushed. It happens for every person at a different pace, with different events dispersed within the long process. 

A couple things have really, really helped me to reach my place in recovery. 

Yoga
If you have never tried yoga, get yourself to a studio NOW! I used to take a Yoga class here and there at my local studio, but it never really had as great an impact on my life until I started to take Yoga as one of my classes at Hood College. My instructor, Jan, teaches at Sol Yoga, a studio in my town, and she has really exposed me to the healing power that Yoga can have on the body and soul. She makes our short 50-minute class feel like a sanctuary, a place of peace and seclusion from all the stressors in my life.
When I am in Yoga I can escape from all the useless thoughts running amok in my mind and just be. This feeling of overall peace has been translating more and more into my daily life as well. I have definitely noticed that I am much more calm; I rarely get angry at stupid drivers when I am driving (and that is saying a lot, trust me)! I find myself more aware of my body in all situations. In general I just feel better.
Yoga has helped me to become accepting of my body the way it is, and has made me welcome and accepting of any changes my body may naturally go through. When I leave a Yoga class I feel proud of my body and more connected and aware of it as well. I don’t compare myself to everyone else in the class or silently compete with others to be the best in the class. I am content with my skill level and I do not try to push myself too much. It is really interesting, actually, how my skill level naturally varies from day to day. Some days when I am particularly stressed out, I will notice that my balance is off in Yoga. This motivates me to stay grounded in all aspects of life, as much as possible. 

Going Vegan
My choice to go vegan was not from a love for animals or a desire to lose weight. Don’t get me wrong, though, I love animals and don’t want to think about them being slaughtered so people can eat a juicy steak. My decision to go vegan came about from a lot of research into the health benefits of a vegan (or whole-food, plant based) lifestyle (notice I don’t say vegan diet). Being vegan can do wonders to prevent a whole slew of diseases, like cancer and heart disease. I have learned that animal protein essentially “turns on” the cancer cells in one’s body. 
After going vegan, I have noticed a vast increase in my energy levels and my skin looks more glowing. I feel better about eating and I don’t worry about calories and all other things that dieters obsess over and that I used to all but kill myself over. I just eat healthy, balanced meals. I eat when I am hungry (which is a little more often). I don’t feel the urge to weigh myself. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I stepped on a scale; I don’t even have one at home anymore. 
Yes, it is a little difficult to be vegan at restaurants, but it just takes a little advanced planning and I’ve found that most restaurants are able to accommodate very easily. 
Going vegan is not the best lifestyle change for everyone, but for me I could not be happier. It has helped to improve my relationship with food and has allowed me to explore cooking in a way that I had never thought of. 

 

Overall, I think it has finally come to the point in this loooooooooooooooong, stressful and difficult journey where I can say I’M RECOVERED. I could not be happier with where I am, and in a roundabout way I am thankful for my eating disorder. It has brought wonderful people into my life and has allowed me to explore deeper issues in my life and has allowed me to learn how to be a better me. 

Future Author

So the other day I was in therapy and Beth, my therapist, told me that I should consider writing a book about my eating disorder. At first I didn’t really think anything of it, but then after I gave it some more thought, I realized that it would be a pretty good idea. I have found that I really love writing and I think that it would be really inspirational to write a book about my journey. When I was at Remuda, it was really helpful to read books about how other people have been through the struggle with eating disorders and have made it out okay. I told my mom about this and she thinks that it would be a good project to work on over the summer (I’m thinking over Winter break as well). She suggested that I add in a chapter written by my mom and my dad and some of my friends. I think that that is a great idea because then it would be helpful for people who are in the same position as my parents and friends if they decide to read it. I don’t remember any books that I read that had a portion of it geared toward people who are trying to help their loved ones who are struggling with an eating disorder. Well, I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with this whole book idea, but I know that it’s definitely in my back pocket and I will probably work on it a little bit day by day and see what comes from it all.

Well things have been pretty good lately! I now going to see my dietitian every 4-6 weeks and my therapist every 3 weeks. I am really proud of all the progress I have made in the past year, and I am astonished with how much the quality of my life has improved. Back when I was at my worse, I could have NEVER imagined myself where I am right now and I couldn’t be happier. I am going out with friends all the time, making friends, and finding myself able to talk to and trust guys again. It’s amazing.

It’s Halloween weekend! Last night there was a school trip to a haunted hay ride. I went with my friends and it was terrifying. People jumped out of the woods and would jump onto our cart that we riding in and one guy actually was leaning all over me and touched my face. At one point we had to get off the cart and we were taken through a ridiculous corn maze. Somehow the people dressed up as clowns knew my name, that really freaked me out. To keep myself from pissing my pants in fear, I just talked back to all the people who were working there. There were two girls who popped out of one coffin and I called them disgusting lesbians. Then they called me a bitch, so I just let them have it. People should know not to try and get in a bitch-off with me, you just won’t win. It’s not possible. Another girl basically threw herself on the ground at me and I told her to go away or I would kick her in the face. I had a stare-off with some guy and I was taunting him about how I was out with my friends on a Friday night and he was here alone just trying to scare people. After that I hung out in the student center with Amanda, her boyfriend and another guy who was at the haunted hay ride with us. My friends were going to go to one of the apartments to drink, but I didn’t feel like doing that so I just went back to my room and hung out with Brittany and Lacey.

This morning I woke up and it was SNOWING. It is not even November yet, what’s up with that? We had to bundle up to go to brunch, which I was not prepared for. Thankfully I have my rain boots here, but I don’t have a rainproof jacket, or a jacket with a hood, or a hat, so I don’t even want to think about how terrible my hair looked. I was in bed for basically the rest of the day, and now I am just hanging out with my friends and trying to figure out what we are going to do tonight. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting pretty crazy because everyone’s probably suffering from cabin fever from staying in all day. I was originally going to be Betty Boop; I had a wig I ordered online and a red dress I wore to homecoming one year to wear but on Thursday night I decided that I wanted to be Katy Perry from her Teenage Dream music video. I got a teal sports bra from Target and Brittany had the idea of making cupcakes to put on my boobs out of pompoms (since I can’t touch cotton balls without cringing). I did that, and then I have some denim shorts to wear with it, it looks cute and ridiculous. It is actually pretty cute, but I am definitely going to have to do some sit-ups before I leave because I want to make sure my stomach looks as good as possible. If you can even associate my stomach with the word good. Ughhhh I wish that I wasn’t so self-conscious about myself. I want to look good and attractive, but my fucking body image issues always get in the way. I don’t really have any ED regularly anymore except my body image problems. I mean I have heard that these issues are the last thing to go with an eating disorder, but I’ve just had it. I would rather have fears about food and be happy with my body, that would be so much more tolerable.

Well I’m going to stop being such a sourpuss. I am so excited to just go out tonight and have a good time. I think Amanda is going to come out with us, so that should be fun. I just finished painting my friend’s nails with glitter; she’s going to dress up as glitter, covering herself in it. It should look so awesome. Brittany is going to be a referee and Lacey is going to be Little Red Riding Hood. Both of their costumes are really cute. I am not sure how we are getting to the apartments though. I have a feeling that we’re going to end up walking, which should be interesting considering I will be wearing shorts, a bra and heels and it’s barely 30 degrees outside. Oh well- no pain, no gain.

I am really excited for November 11. That day I am getting my second tattoo (and I am telling myself my last tattoo, but we’ll see how that pans out). I am getting a dove on the back of my neck. I want to get it done in purple ink if that’s possible, but I will figure that out when I get there. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be doable, though. I am going to the guy that my friend Colleen goes to in Hagerstown and he does a really nice job. I went with Colleen when she got a mardi gras mask added onto her hip and it turned out beautifully. I think Brittany, Lacey and Megan are going with us, too, but I am not sure yet. The dove is going to symbolize freedom, and I think that it is appropriate for the stage I am at right now.

Since my birthday is the day after Thanksgiving, me and Amanda decided that it would probably be a better idea to celebrate with friends the following weekend so that everyone is back from their breaks. The following weekend is actually Lacey’s birthday, so we are going to all go and celebrate by going to FUR nightclub in DC. I just ordered a dress from Topshop to wear when we go out. It is a tight, form-fitting black dress with cut outs at the neckline. It sounds simple, but the cutouts make it look really intricate and cute.

Hmm, I don’t really think that I have anything else to add, so I will wrap things up. Thanks for reading and I will post tomorrow sometime and put up some pictures from tonight. Hopefully my outfit doesn’t make my parents take me out of school. I haven’t tried it on completely so I don’t know how slutty it looks. I’m kind of nervous, but it’s Halloween and “looking good” is synonymous with “slutty” when celebrating this holiday, so oh well.

Miserable Monday

Well today is my least favorite day of the week. To make things even worse, I have my history class on mondays. The teacher is SO unbelievably boring and the class goes by so slowly. I was practically falling asleep last night as I was trying to read from my textbook. I started off the day with French as usual and I got a quiz back that we took on Friday. I was really surprised that I didn’t get a 100 on it; I just sped through it and made stupid mistakes. I’ll have to take a little more time and pay more attention next time. Right now I’m waiting in the student center for my last class of the day to start which is Mass Media and Society. Last class we watched an episode of South Park so this time we’re going to discuss our analysis of it.

This past weekend was pretty fun. On Friday night I went to a party. I went with my friend Colleen to her friend’s house before the party and we hung out there for a while. I offered to be the designated driver so when we were ready to go, we loaded up my car and headed to the party. It got pretty big around 11:30. A lot of people were talking about how the cops were driving around and getting ready to show up any minute. I was getting pretty nervous, but everyone else wasn’t worried so that calmed me down some. We ended up hearing that one of the neighbors had called the cops so around 12:30 we headed out. I heard that later a lot of people left then came back and then the cops ended up showing up. On Saturday I went with Colleen to Hagerstown while she got a new tattoo. She got a mardi gras mask added on next to a fleur de lis on her hip. It looks really nice and it took almost three hours. Later that night was the dance. Around 8:30 I left with Amanda to head to one of the dorms to hang out and get ready. By this time, Isabel was causing a really light sprinkling of rain. Around 10:30 we heard about a party and decided to walk to that. By now it was raining really hard. When we left to go to the dance about an hour later it was pouring and we were literally dripping wet when we showed up to the dance. It was really fun. Granted, I was one of the few sober people there, but I still had a pretty good time. I danced with a couple people for most of the time. It was nice to know that people actually want to dance with me and that they find me somewhat attractive. It seems like every day my confidence grows and grows. Yesterday, Sunday, was a nice day to just wind down the weekend with. I went to the free Pilates and Yoga class downtown at Ananda Shala again. After that, I went to pick up stuff for the turkey wraps I was making for dinner. I was trying really hard to focus enough to read my history book but that just wasn’t going to happen. I much preferred to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm.

I’m really looking forward to tonight. I’m going out to get crabs for the second time this year but I’m upset that this will probably be the last time this summer that we’ll get them. 😦 I have a feeling that this week is going to go by slowly. I can’t wait to go to therapy this week. I get to do a body tracing and it should be eye-opening to see what I believe I look like and how close (or far) that impression is from the reality of my appearance. I’m pretty anxious about meeting my dietitian on Thursday. I’m pretty sure that I’ve reached my goal weight which means that my anxiety about not being able to stop gaining weight is basically through the roof. I don’t know why but I just do not want to hear it when I’ve reached that dreaded 115 pounds. It seems that as long as I have no idea what my weight is that I am fine with things, but the anxiety and nervousness starts building when I wonder what I weigh. Each time I go in for my weight check I have to tear my eyes away from the paper that they write my weight on and give me as a receipt; I have to fold it up into a tiny square to keep myself from looking at it. I just hope that one day I can be totally free of any of these terrible feelings that I get related to my weight and just be in acceptance of where my body wants it to be.

I am so beside myself with excitement for this weekend. I know that for sure Holly is coming to visit from Virginia and our other two friends from Remuda might come to visit, too. I have been planning a bunch of stuff for us to do while she’s here. I plan on taking her to one of my favorite restaurants, La Paz, which is downtown. I will probably take her to my favorite boutique, Velvet Lounge, also. That’s where I had my two-week internship at this summer. I just really hope that the other two women can make it, I haven’t seen them since March!

Well that’s all that I have to post for now, it’s almost time to head to class. I hope that I don’t let myself get too distracted with the internet in class :p

Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

Today was a pretty good day overall. I went to Tyson’s Corner Mall in Virginia with my mom once again. I got a TON of stuff. Well not really a ton, but quite a bit. My mom is the best. 🙂

At Nordstrom I got a really cute black v-neck maxi dress with a knitted brown belt at the waist. I got these adorable Jessica Simpson pumps (picture below) to go with my Free People dress (picture below) for the first day of classes tomorrow. At Madewell I got a green short sleeve sweater. At Bloomingdale’s I got three pairs of jeans to fit my new body: one Seven, one Citizens of Humanity and one AG. It was pretty stressful to pick out new jeans. Since I didn’t really know what size I was I had to take a couple different ones with me. The nice man who was helping me was going to find another pair that he thought I’d like and guessed at my size. He was quite over what size I really am. That really upset me because it got me thinking that I look bigger to people than I really am. I tried to just brush it off, though. I told my mom how that upset me and she just told me that it doesn’t matter what he thought, he was probably just guessing whatever the most popular size is for women. She said that I look really great where I am right now, which isn’t far off from my goal weight (since I’ve started doing blind weigh-ins and don’t know what I weigh right now). It’s really good to hear that, because to me, I look HUGE. My thighs have just started to touch which I hate so much. It sucks. My arms look huge. My stomach is enormous and always bloated. I talked to my mom about canceling my gym membership because I no longer feel much desire to work out. Well at least I feel no desire to work out in a healthy way- I have a lot of urges after I eat what seems like too much to go work it all off and then some on the cardio equipment. I have a much stronger desire to get into more pilates and yoga. I know that that’s what I need to do to get the toning that I really want. Pilates will rock my core, too, which is what I really want to focus on more than anything else. Both pilates and yoga are so relaxing, too, which is quite the opposite of how I feel when I go to the gym. When I step on the elliptical machine I feel like a failure if I can’t burn off more calories than I will consume for the whole day and when I did burn off all those calories when I was in the throes of my eating disorder I felt extremely ashamed of myself, I felt like everyone who was watching me would be able to tell something was different about me, and I would be really upset when anything got in my way of going to the gym. Now, though, I have a much healthier relationship with exercise. When I went to the gym with my best friend Amanda last monday, I felt no urge to over-exert myself (which was a good thing because I was tired after ten minutes of cardio work anyway) and I really enjoyed it as more of a social activity. Before I would pop my earbuds in, open up my book or magazine and just go into my own little zone, totally blocking out everything around me until I had completed my workout. When I went with Amanda, I was spending most of the time talking with her and making jokes about stupid little things like I used to. It felt really great to be getting my old easy-going personality back.

Tonight my great friend Alex is coming over for dinner. I’m making some grilled chicken with a chipotle-peach sauce, grilled corn on the cob and some green beans. I am excited to see him, it’s been a couple weeks since we’ve gotten together and I was getting nervous that I wasn’t going to get a chance to see him again before he goes back to college. Well that’s all for now, it’s time for me to get my afternoon snack and waist some more time on stumbleupon!

A world of changes

Lately I have been feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Each day I go back and forth between absolutely hating everything about my body to being satisfied with where I’m at right now. I know I have not reached my goal weight yet, but since I have gotten back my menstrual cycle I feel that I could potentially stop gaining weight and stay where I’m at.

Over that past month or so, I have seen so many changes in my body. Most noticeable and most unwelcome of these changes is the fact that my thighs are now beginning to touch. I hate this so much. It makes me feel that my legs are humongous and all the weight that I am gaining is going right there to them. I know it’s irrational to think this, but I just can’t help it. Not only does this bring me anxiety, I also feel anxiety over what size pants I will now begin to wear. I ideally want to stay at the same size, but I know that it’s unlikely that will happen. Just yesterday I went shopping and was trying on new pants and shorts and took in a size 26 when I was wearing a size 24. I was pleasantly surprised when they were too big. I thought for sure that I had gained an extreme amount of weight while I was on vacation in Florida. Although probably not good for my ED, it made me feel really great to know that I could still fit into my old sizes. Another change that is definitely not welcome is this disgusting stomach that I now have. I look like I am pregnant all the time. I hate feeling perpetually bloated. I feel so disgusting. I really, really hope that the free pilates and yoga classes that I take each weekend will help to tone my stomach and make it look flatter and more attractive. A third change, which is perhaps the most unwelcome, is the fact that I ALWAYS am feeling hungry. I hate that so much. It really freaks me out and makes me feel like no matter how much I try to eat a normal amount of food, I will not be able to stop eating and I will loose all control. I can’t wait to go to therapy on tuesday and see my dietitian on thursday to talk to them about this. I am hoping it is just a side effect of my medicine, zyprexa, that was meant to help me gain weight and get my hunger cues back. Perhaps it’s time to take me off that medicine, but I’ll see what my treatment team says.

Looking back at where I was in January and where I am now, I am amazed that I have made it this far in my recovery and that I didn’t kill myself with this stupid eating disorder. I know I’m not really supposed to talk about weights, but when I was admitted to Remuda, I weighed in around 82 pounds. At that point in my life, basically all I was eating during the day was half a grapefruit. I am so proud of myself and so happy that I am now able to enjoy food. When I was on vacation in Ft. Lauderdale this past week, I was able to practice intuitive eating-eating mainly when I am hungry- and I was able to order things off the menu that I truly wanted, now what the eating disorder was telling me was a safe choice. I am disappointed in myself for other things, though. I have a really hard time admitting my struggles to my team. I have this HUGE fear of disappointing everyone and letting them down by telling them what I have a hard time with. I also feel an extreme amount of guilt for wanting to skimp on my portions and supplements and wanting to go back to overexercising. I know it will take a lot of self-control and willpower to get to the point where I can have a healthy relationship with exercise. Before getting admitted to Remuda, I was exercising about 3 times per week on the elliptical machine until I would burn around 700 calories. I wasn’t even eating anywhere near that amount of calories, though, which contributed to my rapid weight loss. I am so excited to get back to the gym, though. When I exercise, I feel so good and energized. I know that by taking these weekly pilates and yoga classes it is helping me get back to a normal relationship with exercise. By being in a yoga studio with no cardio equipment, I have no temptation to jump on for almost an hour at a time. I am worried that when I start going back to the gym, though, that I will give in to that temptation and get on the slippery slope to relapse. However, I know that if I am super-careful and mindful of what I’m doing instead of paying attention to what other people around me are doing that I will be okay. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym for the first time. It is bring a friend day there so I am taking my best friend Amanda with me. It will really help me to exercise with someone else because she knows about my past relationship with exercise and will be able to help me do a healthy amount and not over do it. I will give her full permission to tell me if she thinks that I’m overdoing it and that I need to stop and be a little gentler.

Well that’s really all I can think of to post for now. It’s time for me to get back to relaxing and getting used to being at home again. Later today I am getting pilates apparel for my mom, getting school supplies for when classes start back up again on the 22nd and doing the weekly free pilates class at the yoga studio downtown.

A Bad Body Image Day

Today has been a pretty rough day as far as body image goes. I just spent all my time wallowing in self-pity, feeling ugly. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help but feel ugly when it seems like I’m the only one who is without a boyfriend. I would really like to meet someone, but it’s kind of hard right now when everyone is home and away from school and because I don’t have a job which would allow me to meet people. All I can do is sit back and wait patiently for that special someone to come around.
Today was another meeting with my dietitian. Every day I meet with her, I like her more and more. I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with talking to her. She is sometimes more of a therapist than a dietitian. Because at my last weigh-in I was down about a pound and a half, she bumped me back up to 4 supplements. Unfortunately for me, though, I haven’t been doing the two that I was told to. So, now I’m at risk of gaining extreme amounts of weight in this coming week by sticking with four supplements in hopes of them lowering the amount I have to take at my next appointment. Oh well. I just need to look at it as that I’ll be one more step towards getting to do yoga and going on a vacation when I reach 105 lbs. As much as I hate the idea of gaining weight, I really like the idea of getting my privileges and independence back as my weight is replenished.
A nice counter of today’s boredom was last night. I went out to the hookah bar downtown for the first time. I decided I’d try the hookah. It was okay, kind of weird, though. I didn’t do it very much because I got a little dizzy and it gave me a slight headache. Even though I didn’t have much fun smoking, it was really nice to get to go out with my friends. Each time I go out with them, I’m building my friendships a little bit stronger which is really nice. It’s amazing the wonders of knowing you have good friends there for you can do. On a totally unrelated topic, a couple days ago my mom and I got those new gel manicures. I got mine done on saturday, I think, and they’re still intact! I would totally recommend this to anyone who is tired of manicures chipping after one or two days of wear. Not only do they not chip, it makes my nails super strong, and they feel a lot thicker than a normal manicure. Well, you’re probably getting bored reading about my stupid life, so I’ll let you go. Check back tomorrow!

The day after the wedding

Well, yesterday was the infamous wedding. To say that it was a disappointment is a huge understatement. I’m not a snob or anything, but I feel like I could have planned a better wedding than that. There was no alcohol despite the invitation saying there was a “cocktail hour”, the food was served on plastic plates (don’t even get me started on how the food tasted either), the bridal party and centerpieces had plastic flowers, and there was no actual dance floor just to name a few problems spots.
So, I had some anxiety building up about what would be there as far as food, but things went pretty well. I was at a table with my cousins so we were making fun of all the ridiculous aspects of the wedding which kept me pretty distracted. The food was a huge pile of mediocre veggies, a baked potato thing and an undercooked stuffed chicken breast. I ended up eating all the veggies, half the potato and a bite of the chicken. Once I saw that my chicken was still pink inside, I got very turned off and threw in the towel, or the napkin.
Well, we were all counting down until it would be appropriate to leave. Once my grandparents left, we felt that it was okay to leave too. Although the cake still had to be cut we had had enough of the weirdness and tackiness of it all and just had to get out of there.
Today things went pretty well at home. I returned my dress that I rented from renttherunway.com (which was absolutely gorgeous, by the way!). This evening I went to the movies with my mom and saw bridesmaids. SUCH a hilarious movie, I recommend you to go see it as soon as possible! We stopped at the gas station to get snacks and drinks on the way there. I was going to get raisinettes for the first time that I’ve allowed myself to eat them in god knows how long. I was doing okay up until I looked at the calories and decided to put them back. Once I got to the movies, though, my mom was buying popcorn and I challenged myself to get some raisinettes because they’re my favorite candy and I just told myself that I didn’t do anything to Not deserve them, unlike what ED was screaming in my mind at top volume. I ended up being able to eat half of the box and a handful of popcorn, so I was and am really proud of myself. A couple months ago, I wouldn’t have ever thought i’d be doing that. Every time I have something challenging me, I just think of yoga and how badly I want to be able to exercise again and that each pound I replenish to my body, the closer I am to yoga!
Well, I think that is all for Now, so thanks for eating and check back tomorrow for more!