A Changing Body

After two days of raining, we got to have a lovely day of cloud/free skies and high temperatures, making for the perfect conditions for the beach. I’m finally getting the nice tan that I hoped for; by the end of my vacation I should be a bronze bombshell :p
In other events, I am noticing now more than ever my body beginning to change. I notice that I have more curves- I’m getting my hourglass figure back- but this also comes with much anxiety. For the first time in god knows how long, my thighs occasionally will touch each other. This seems like a small thing to be upset a about, but it has me pretty upset. I am doubting that i will look attractive at my goal weight since my body is already changing its form at my current weight. I wish there was a way for my body to look the same as it does now when I get to my ideal weight. Ugh, I just hate recovery. It’s days like this that I sometimes think that relapse would be easier. But then again, the rational side of my mind tells me that would be worse- not only would I be letting down myself, I would seriously be letting down my parents and treatment team and I would have wasted too much money to think of.

I hate that little things like this cause me so much anxiety and grief. I feel so shallow for having my biggest worry being about how attractive I will be. Does anyone else feel this way? It’s so hard to be in recovery and not have someone to be there with me every step of the way telling me that I’m beautiful no matter what my weight may be. I know that that’s a really shallow thing to get worked up about, but that’s the reality of my recovery.

It may be a long shot, okay a really long shot, but I’m hoping that while I’m on vacation that something develops in my love life. Holly’s sister (who is my age) has two guy friends of hers here and I’ve got my fingers crossed that some sort of relationship may come about. It’s probably an unrealistic hope, but a girl can dream, right? Well that’s all I have for now! Please leave comments if you have any way to relate to what I’m going through, I could really use some support now 🙂

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